An IVF Marathon

This weekend did not go at all like we thought it would.  When the nurse told me at my Friday blood draw that I could come back in two hours for the results, we said "Sure why not?  We will just find out the good news early and have all weekend to celebrate."  We had no idea how wrong we would be!

Two hours later we sat in the lab waiting room for our results.  We were shocked when we saw the sheet of paper that said I was within the normal range of a non-pregnant female.  Everything went so perfectly, but unfortunately, sometime last week we lost our two beautiful embryos.  For 28 days we did over 40 shots along with other medications, a painful egg retrieval, and transfer and had nothing to show for it.

At our original doctor's appointment in February he told us the statistics and tried to prepare us for the possibility of it not happening on the first round, but we thought we would beat the odds and get pregnant the first try.  Thankfully we opted for the IVF package that included more than one cycle as an insurance policy.  We had no control over what would happen but still hoped for the best for our first cycle.

As you can imagine, we were shocked and heartbroken that it didn't work.  I would be lying if I said I didn't go home and cry for the rest of the day.  Now that it has been a few days and we have been able to process things we are doing better.  I have talked to several friends who went through multiple rounds of IVF to get their babies, and they have encouraged us to keep trying.  So many things have to line up perfectly for this to happen.  It is so refreshing to be able to talk to people who have been through this.  They understand the process and the ups and downs that come with it.  Those just weren't the right embryos for us even though they looked perfect.  I know some pretty amazing IVF kids who wouldn't be here if their parents gave up after their first round failure.  My IVF friends are some of the most resilient women I've ever met!

We have a plan moving forward.  This week we will have our failure follow up appointment with my doctor and talk about the next cycle.  We have two frozen embryos at the lab waiting for their chance at becoming babies.  The week of July 14th is when we will do our second transfer as long as everything looks okay.  All we can do now is hope for the best for our 2nd cycle.  We will never know if we don't try!

It turns out that the IVF process is more of a marathon than a sprint.  We will go into our next cycle remembering that.

We have had such great support from friends and family through this process.  So many have asked what they can do for us as we go through this process.  I thought about it after a friend encouraged me to be honest about what we need right now.  What would be amazing is if you could stand with us in believing for our miracles.  To speak faith and encouragement into our situation as we hold on to the promises God has made us and fight for our future children.  I know one day we will all get to rejoice together over this victory.

I found this postcard that I know my IVF friends who have gone through multiple rounds will appreciate.  It's a little cynical because there are the lucky few who get pregnant on their first try, but it somehow made me feel like less of a failure today.

China Doll

Things have been very different since our big May 15th transfer day.  Life has really slowed down because it had to.  I've basically turned into a china doll.  After Thursday, I was on semi bed rest for 3-4 days hoping and praying for our little ones to hatch, attach, and grow.  I took lots of naps and basically lived with the heating pad from soreness.  Most of the soreness is from the nightly progesterone shots, but I think I noticed today that I'm not as sore as I was last week at this time.  Maybe my body is actually getting used to the deep muscle shots.  I didn't know that was possible.  I counted last night, and so far in this process, my husband has given me 35 shots.  He is the best shot giver ever though!

I am used to a very active lifestyle, and I have had to pretty much discontinue it for now.  I am missing my hard core gym workouts and my afternoon BBL DVD workouts with my friend Bridget.  Now I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  If I find out I'm pregnant, that number jumps all the way to 20 lbs.  I can walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at the pace of 2.5.  I've been instructed not to break a sweat or do anything that would make my uterus contract.  Whoops I just sneezed, and I am pretty sure everything contracted!  I know it will all be worth it though!

The emotional ups and downs of the IVF cycle have come into full force since the transfer.  I am trying to do things to keep my mind off of it, but it seems like the only time I don't think about it at all is when I'm sleeping.  I got so used to disappointment every month that it is very hard not to project that onto this month.  Sometimes I need to be reminded that this month is different.  I'm learning that it takes even more courage to wait for answers and pregnancy test results.  I knew I had to be brave to go through all of the surgeries and tests, but I forgot that I have to be brave while we wait too.  It takes faith to believe for the best.

My IVF nurse called today to let us know that they were able to freeze 2 embryos.  I asked her when we could use them if this cycle didn't work.  She chided me and said "You won't need to use them because you're going to be pregnant."  She was reminding me that things are different now.  Everything is different now.  So please pray for us as we wait for 6 more days to find out what is going on.  Until then we will be holding on to hope with the tightest grip we can!

Transfer Day

"You have 5 beautiful embryos!"  I've never been so excited and relieved to hear those 5 amazing words.  Today was our embryo transfer day.  After a nervous couple of days wondering how our little ones were doing in the lab, we received the full report.

Five were in the awesome, beautiful category right where they should be, and one was growing too fast.  The lonely fast grower most likely has some genetic abnormalities.  The doctor was very pleased with how everything turned out.  They have to be really careful with women who have polycystic ovaries.  I am so grateful for his care and knowledge of how to treat patients with PCO.  Here I am post valium and post transfer trying to be very still.  The doctor said, "don't move, cough, sneeze, laugh, or talk above a whisper."  Hopefully it was okay to give the thumbs up.

We ended up picking our two strongest ones (7 cell and 8 cell) to transfer.  Here's a little picture of what they look like under the microscope.  As soon as I saw it I fell in love.  You're probably not supposed to get attached to the embryos, but that self-control flew out the window as soon as I saw this photo.  I think the one on the right is a boy :).

The transfer itself was pretty simple yet remarkable.  The embryologist read aloud our names to make sure she had the right ones and handed them to the doctor in a small catheter.  Meanwhile the nurse used the ultrasound machine to find the best place to put the embryos.  Everything went great!  Here is a picture of the pellet they placed in my uterus.  If our other embryos still look strong on Saturday, they will freeze them for future cycles if they're needed. 

All of this is very exciting news for us.  This is the closest we've been to pregnancy in years.  We are hopeful for what is to come.  In 10 days we have our first pregnancy blood tests.  Until then I have been instructed not to lift anything above 10 lbs. and not to break a sweat.  This should be interesting!

I started the day with a sweet text from my dad and have received so much encouragement from everyone.  Thank you so much for standing with us for believing for our miracles.  After the procedure we were pleasantly surprised when our doctor walked over and prayed a prayer of blessing over us.  I know we will all get to rejoice together very soon! 

Here is our next prayer request in our journey... Hatch, attach, and grow.  Please pray that the embryo would grow into a blastocyst, hatch, attach to the lining, and grow!  Pregnancy is truly a miracle!

It All Started with the Number 6

Today we found out that from the 9 eggs that were retrieved, 6 fertilized.  So, as of this morning, we have 6 beautiful embryos growing in the lab.  The plan is to hopefully have enough to transfer one or two on Thursday and still have some extra to freeze in case we need to do another round of IVF.

Before the procedure I made one of the biggest mistakes when it comes to IVF... I got my heart set on something.  It can be such a mind game and I forgot how flexible you have to remain.  I was set on letting our embryos grow to 5 day ones instead of 3 day ones.  Can you guess which one our doctor is having us do?  Yep, 3 day embryos.  There are several criteria the embryos have to meet to go to five days and ours don't meet them.  Ultimately the doctor knows what's best for our situation, so we will go with what he says.

So Thursday is the big day for us.  Please pray that our embryos would continue to grow and thrive especially when they are transferred back.  Hopefully we will soon be telling a story that starts with the line, "It all started with the number 6."

I found this picture online of a 3 day embryo.  It's a beautiful picture of what's to come!

Retrieve and Advance

Today I'm using the "survive and advance" motto, but I changed it to "retrieve and advance."  This morning we had our long awaited egg retrieval procedure.  Things went really well, and we were in and out of the fertility clinic in two hours.

I didn't know what to expect except for a few things some friends told me about.  Apart from feeling very "hangry" from not being able to eat or drink anything, I felt at peace.  As soon as we got there, they whisked us away in a very professional way.  We could tell they were in the zone to get all of us through this day successfully.  At one point I turned to Michael and said, "can you believe we are in a fertility clinic about to do IVF?"  A year ago I had no idea what we were in store for!

We met the nurses, anesthesiologist, and most importantly our embryologist.  After they put my IV in, I walked over to the operating room for my procedure where they put me under in a dream like state.  I do have hazy memories of what happened which is a little bizarre to me.  The whole egg retrieval took around 15 minutes, and then I was wheeled away to the recovery room feeling like a total champion.  We were pleased to hear that the doctor was able to get 10 eggs this time around, so that's a great start!

Through this experience, a new level of courage and bravery that I didn't know I had has risen up and taken a hold of me.  Of course I was nervous and scared, but I knew I had to do it anyway.  Don't mess with a mama grizzly fighting for the lives of her children (or I guess in our case unborn children).

Tomorrow we find out how many eggs fertilized.  I have moved on to a new medicine regimen after having one day off from shots.  Now I am doing inter-muscular progesterone shots and estrogen patches to prepare the lining.  The nurse taught Michael how to give them, and he is a pro so far.  Apparently the comparison to playing darts really helped him.

So now we wait again to find out how our little embryos are growing and when to transfer them back.  Here's a little picture of me on egg retrieval day.  I'm not sure why my hat was so much bigger than everyone else's, but I think the picture is pretty funny.

Trigger Shot

On the eve of my 4th Mother's Day we are doing something I never knew we would do until a few months ago.  It's pretty exciting, at least for us.  At exactly 9:30 p.m. I will get my final subcutaneous shot, Ovadril, the trigger shot.  It will cause the eggs to release.  That's right; my follicles are finally ready to go!  In 36 hours we will be doing our first egg retrieval. 

Originally we hoped for a symbolic Mother's Day retrieval, but my follicles needed a little more time.  Thankfully we waited because everything looked even better on my ultrasound this morning.  This way I can enjoy Mother's Day since Michael was deployed last year at this time.  

I am trying not to think of any and every scenario as we wait for the next step in our IVF cycle.  We are praying for lots of mature eggs that grow into healthy embryos.  This is an exciting and hopeful time for us!

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing ladies out there and to everyone believing to become a mother for the first or fifth time!  If you think of us on Monday morning, please say a prayer for our tiny embryos.

Follicles

We are another day closer to retrieval day!  Today I went in for another ultrasound and brought Michael with me.  He brings so much stability and peace to everything.  This appointment went a lot better than the last.  Basically everything is on schedule for a Sunday or Monday retrieval day.  We saw 17 follicles growing on my ovaries.  This is a great number but it could be a little lower because some might be cysts.  We are extremely happy with the way things are going.  The staff at the clinic are so supportive and encouraging.  It's nice to be treated with so much care. 

When I had my c-section with Anna the doctor took pictures of my ovaries because he was concerned about the cyst formations.  I recently had those pictures put in my file at the fertility clinic.  It's not the prettiest site to see but the nurse said the sweetest thing to me before I left today.  She said "Your ovaries are beautiful."  This meant a lot to me after having many doctors exclaim about the unusualness of the pictures.  This may sound crazy to you but when you're going through infertility any encouragement can completely turn your day around.  

We are holding on to many Bible verses through this time.  There is one in particular that has stuck with me over the past couple of days. I remember holding on to this verse when we were trying to get pregnant with Anna.  Isaiah 54:1-3, "Sing, O Childless woman, you who have never given birth!  Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, you who have never been in labor.  For the desolate woman now has more children that the woman who lives with her husband.  Enlarge your house; build an addition.  Spread out your home, and spare no expense!  For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will occupy other nations and resettle the ruined cities."  I believe that we will soon be bursting at the seams in our tiny, California bungalow!

Hanging Tough

When I was younger I begged my oldest brother to take me to a New Kids on the Block concert.  He did not oblige, and I don't blame him, but I was a big fan of NKOTB.  Their song, "Hangin' Tough," is the inspiration for this blog post.  Here is why we are hanging tough.

We are now on cycle day 9 of our first round of in vitro.  I have had 15 shots, 3 blood draws, and 2 ultrasounds.  My levels and ultrasounds have confirmed what the doctor suspected all along which is Poly Cystic Ovaries.  They can't call it a syndrome because I don't have a couple of the important characteristics of PCOS.  Most likely our infertility this time around can be chalked up to damaged fallopian tubes from scar tissue and PCO.

The PCO aspect throws a little bit of a curve ball into IVF.  My body responds to very low doses of the shots.  They are being very careful to ensure that I don't overstimulate, so things are VERY slow going.  It also makes it hard to know what are follicles and what are cysts.  He said we basically have to hope for the best that there are actual mature eggs to take out.  This makes us on the late side of the cycle where they probably won't even take the eggs until sometime next week.  On the positive side, he counted around 18 follicles which would be amazing if there were mature eggs in them all.  The more they can harvest the better for trying for multiple rounds of IVF.

We are still remaining hopeful despite the challenges.  It is amazing the things you will do (like getting 15 shots in 7 days) when you really want something.  I will go back in on Thursday to see how my ovaries are progressing.  Please pray that the follicles would be easily recognized and clear so that they can more accurately decide when to do the retrieval.  We are hanging tough and taking things day by day.

Wasp and Bee

We are now three days into our first IVF cycle.  Tonight will be my third round of shots.  Every day I take a prenatal vitamin, a steroid, and an aspirin.  Then, at night, Michael gives me two separate subcutaneous shots.  The purpose of this phase is to stimulate the ovaries to produce a lot of follicles.  I go in for frequent blood draws and ultrasounds to monitor what's going on.

So far so good on everything pain wise.  One of the shots feels like a bee sting and the other burns more like a wasp sting but it usually goes away after ten minutes.  I haven't felt any side effects from anything so that is another positive.  The nurse warned that after about four days I might get a little "weepy."  I guess weepy is better than angry.

Nothing much else to report at the moment.  Things should pick up next week as we get closer to the harvest time.  We are staying strong and hoping for good things to come from this cycle!  Thanks everyone for the encouragement!