Last night I ordered prenatal vitamins. This may not seem like a big step to most, but it was for me. When we started the journey for a second child almost two years ago, my doctor gave me prenatal vitamins to take to prepare myself for getting pregnant. I took them with lots of excitement hoping for another miracle. After many months of trying and going through disappointment, I decided to stop taking them. To me it was a waste of money and too emotionally painful to continue to take these pills when there was no baby in sight. After saving them for when I would need them, I had to throw them away a few months ago after they reached their expiration date.
The pills along with the baby gear seemed to taunt me daily. Every time I passed the medicine cabinet or went into the garage they were all reminders of what hadn't happened. At the time it was unexplained secondary infertility, and "unexplained" is really code for painful frustration. When we moved to California and into a smaller garage we had a rummage sale and sold pretty much all of our baby gear. I needed a fresh start and couldn't look at it any more. Truthfully I thought if maybe I sold it all then I would get pregnant. You wouldn't believe the thoughts you have when struggling with infertility. I know thousands of women can relate to this.
Then in November I had surgery, and unexplained secondary infertility turned into a snowball of infertility diagnoses stemming from previous pregnancy hormones, scar tissue from my c-section, and a few other problems. There was a silver lining though. The most important parts, the ovaries and uterus, were preserved making it possible to be a good candidate for IVF.
It's interesting to see what has happened over the past 6 months. The baby gear and pregnancy announcements don't sting as much any more. Maybe it helps that things aren't unexplained anymore. Yesterday my medicine arrived, and we stared at what the next few weeks or months would look like. I still can't believe we are doing this, but don't get me wrong, we are SO thankful to have the option.
So to those who might still be experiencing the sting that comes from staring down the pregnancy announcements and baby gear, I can say from my experience that if you don't let this experience make you bitter, the sting will hopefully subside. Tuesday I will start the prenatal vitamins again, and I will do so with a hopeful heart.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Practice Makes "Perfect"
Today in our In Vitro journey we did some practicing. I would like to say that practice makes perfect, but when it comes to producing embryos, we have no control over what will happen. Sounds promising right?
First we got the low down on the shots. We learned all about the needles, syringes, powders, and how to dispose of the biohazard waste that comes from them. We decided Michael would give me all of the shots. I realized this as I got queasy just looking at the needles. I remembered that I'm okay with them as long as I don't look at them. He got lots of practice mixing the powders and injecting the shots into a squishy cube. I'm glad the engineer of the family will be administering the drugs. Attention to detail comes in handy here. The information was a little overwhelming, but I kept telling myself this is a means to an end. I had a friend recently remind me to take things one day at a time. I took that and changed it to remind myself to take things one shot at a time. That helped relieve some of the mental pressure because it is 95% mental. By the way, I made that statistic up. It doesn't seem like anyone would be able to actually assign a mental percentage to something like this.
The second part of this week's visit to the IVF clinic was a Mock Embryo Transfer. Sounds fancy right? It makes me think back to high school when we did mock trials. It was nothing like a mock trial by the way. The nice thing about the clinic is that it's pretty glam. I guess that's what happens when you don't really have to rely on insurances paying you a premium because unless you hit the insurance jackpot, you're paying mostly out of pocket for these services. Everything is decorated nicely, and there are flat screen TV's everywhere. I'm pretty sure I saw Michael eating fancy truffle candy while he enjoyed their finest K-Cup coffee. While I waited, and even during the procedure, I listened to Katie Couric explain the importance of family dinners.
Anyway, back to the procedure. It was a quick but uncomfortable one to measure my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos to have a fighting chance. This was his practice for when he puts back the embryos in a few weeks.
So as of today everything seems to be in order. My medicine arrives on Friday, and I get to discontinue the use of birth control pills this weekend. On Tuesday I will go in for my first blood draw and ultrasound and will begin the stimulation shots that evening. We don't have any guarantees, but we know no matter what everything will be okay. I have no idea what the phrase "everything will be okay" will look like, but we've made our peace with that. I will try to keep you posted along the way. It helps to be able to write and share what's going on.
First we got the low down on the shots. We learned all about the needles, syringes, powders, and how to dispose of the biohazard waste that comes from them. We decided Michael would give me all of the shots. I realized this as I got queasy just looking at the needles. I remembered that I'm okay with them as long as I don't look at them. He got lots of practice mixing the powders and injecting the shots into a squishy cube. I'm glad the engineer of the family will be administering the drugs. Attention to detail comes in handy here. The information was a little overwhelming, but I kept telling myself this is a means to an end. I had a friend recently remind me to take things one day at a time. I took that and changed it to remind myself to take things one shot at a time. That helped relieve some of the mental pressure because it is 95% mental. By the way, I made that statistic up. It doesn't seem like anyone would be able to actually assign a mental percentage to something like this.
The second part of this week's visit to the IVF clinic was a Mock Embryo Transfer. Sounds fancy right? It makes me think back to high school when we did mock trials. It was nothing like a mock trial by the way. The nice thing about the clinic is that it's pretty glam. I guess that's what happens when you don't really have to rely on insurances paying you a premium because unless you hit the insurance jackpot, you're paying mostly out of pocket for these services. Everything is decorated nicely, and there are flat screen TV's everywhere. I'm pretty sure I saw Michael eating fancy truffle candy while he enjoyed their finest K-Cup coffee. While I waited, and even during the procedure, I listened to Katie Couric explain the importance of family dinners.
Anyway, back to the procedure. It was a quick but uncomfortable one to measure my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos to have a fighting chance. This was his practice for when he puts back the embryos in a few weeks.
So as of today everything seems to be in order. My medicine arrives on Friday, and I get to discontinue the use of birth control pills this weekend. On Tuesday I will go in for my first blood draw and ultrasound and will begin the stimulation shots that evening. We don't have any guarantees, but we know no matter what everything will be okay. I have no idea what the phrase "everything will be okay" will look like, but we've made our peace with that. I will try to keep you posted along the way. It helps to be able to write and share what's going on.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The Spreadsheet
Today I received my IVF schedule of medicines spreadsheet. Basically every day is mapped out for me medicine wise in these fun colors with names of drugs I have a hard time pronouncing. It's always comforting putting things into your body that you can't pronounce, right? Now I wait for the online pharmacy to call me back about acquiring these needles, syringes, and whatever else is required for this science experiment.
It wasn't until I got the schedule that it really hit me that we are going to do this. All this time we were committed to the May IVF cycle, but in the back of my mind I thought we would get pregnant and be that rare couple that conceived before they started the process. It didn't happen that way, and I'm okay with it. So much of life doesn't happen the way we planned it to. The important thing is being flexible with the process.
So, in 12 days I will give myself my first shot and won't look back. Then it will basically be lather, rinse, repeat over and over again. We have no idea what is going to happen, but we are hoping for the best!
It wasn't until I got the schedule that it really hit me that we are going to do this. All this time we were committed to the May IVF cycle, but in the back of my mind I thought we would get pregnant and be that rare couple that conceived before they started the process. It didn't happen that way, and I'm okay with it. So much of life doesn't happen the way we planned it to. The important thing is being flexible with the process.
So, in 12 days I will give myself my first shot and won't look back. Then it will basically be lather, rinse, repeat over and over again. We have no idea what is going to happen, but we are hoping for the best!
Saturday, April 12, 2014
How to Slow Down Time
Do you feel like the months are constantly flying by? I have a solution to slow time down. Get everything in order and sign up to do In Vitro at the end of the month. April is going by SO slowly for us!
We still have 17 days before we begin the hormone treatments. Days seem like years to me. All I am doing right now in the IVF process is finishing up my second week of birth control pills.
In all seriousness, we are actually enjoying the calm before the storm. The end of the month brings lots of exciting events. We will celebrate another Easter together without a looming deployment or crazy work schedule, enjoy Anna's art show at school, and attend the submarine birthday ball. Then 3 days later we will begin a new journey full of unknown possibilities.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Green Light
Anna must play the game "Red Light, Green Light" at school because she comes home talking all about it. For the past month we have been going through tests trying to get our green light to start the IVF process. Yesterday we got our green light!
I had my umpteenth ultrasound done yesterday, and although we were hoping for the ovaries to be clear of any cysts, that was not the case. We knew it could be a possibility because of my history, but it turned out that the ovaries are still covered in tiny cysts. My doctor called it poly cystic ovarian syndrome tendencies. I guess I don't meet the major requirement to be diagnosed with the syndrome, so they call it a "tendency." He also said he saw some scar tissue, so that could explain why I am still in pain. Most of this news doesn't matter too much because we are already doing IVF, but it gives the doctor more of an idea of how much medicine to give to stimulate ovulation. The pre-screening IVF tests have been very informative. It's like a treasure hunt; what will they find out this appointment?? Hopefully that was the last piece of negative medical finding in this process.
So what's the plan? Basically we are jumping head first into this process and learning as we go what is required of us. This weekend I start the first step which is birth control pills. I am on those for 3.5 weeks to give my ovaries a rest and get on the cycle my doctor wants me on. Since I do have a hormonal imbalance with the ovarian cysts, I'm hoping the birth control will help keep that at bay. It seems funny to go on birth control to have a baby, but it's all part of the process!
On April 29th we officially begin ovulation stimulation. This is when the real fun starts. We will become pros at injections and managing my medicine schedule. Any nurses out there want to volunteer to come live with us for a couple of months to help administer thick, oil like shots every day? Just kidding; I know we will get the hang of it quickly!
Then around the first and second week of May they will harvest hopefully lots of mature, healthy eggs, turn them into embryos, and transfer them back. After that we hope and pray that one or two of the embryos does its thing and implants. Then we wait some more for either a positive or negative pregnancy test. If it's positive we continue with shots and close care for the first trimester at the clinic. If negative then we continue on with another cycle after some recovery time.
We have heard that IVF is full of crazy emotional and physical ups and downs. I would like to say we are ready for the roller coaster after months of tests and procedures, but I don't think I can honestly say that until we are in the thick of things. I do know that we are incredibly thankful for our health and our beautiful daughter, so that makes it easier to move into this process with nothing to lose.
Thank you for your encouragement through this!
I had my umpteenth ultrasound done yesterday, and although we were hoping for the ovaries to be clear of any cysts, that was not the case. We knew it could be a possibility because of my history, but it turned out that the ovaries are still covered in tiny cysts. My doctor called it poly cystic ovarian syndrome tendencies. I guess I don't meet the major requirement to be diagnosed with the syndrome, so they call it a "tendency." He also said he saw some scar tissue, so that could explain why I am still in pain. Most of this news doesn't matter too much because we are already doing IVF, but it gives the doctor more of an idea of how much medicine to give to stimulate ovulation. The pre-screening IVF tests have been very informative. It's like a treasure hunt; what will they find out this appointment?? Hopefully that was the last piece of negative medical finding in this process.
So what's the plan? Basically we are jumping head first into this process and learning as we go what is required of us. This weekend I start the first step which is birth control pills. I am on those for 3.5 weeks to give my ovaries a rest and get on the cycle my doctor wants me on. Since I do have a hormonal imbalance with the ovarian cysts, I'm hoping the birth control will help keep that at bay. It seems funny to go on birth control to have a baby, but it's all part of the process!
On April 29th we officially begin ovulation stimulation. This is when the real fun starts. We will become pros at injections and managing my medicine schedule. Any nurses out there want to volunteer to come live with us for a couple of months to help administer thick, oil like shots every day? Just kidding; I know we will get the hang of it quickly!
Then around the first and second week of May they will harvest hopefully lots of mature, healthy eggs, turn them into embryos, and transfer them back. After that we hope and pray that one or two of the embryos does its thing and implants. Then we wait some more for either a positive or negative pregnancy test. If it's positive we continue with shots and close care for the first trimester at the clinic. If negative then we continue on with another cycle after some recovery time.
We have heard that IVF is full of crazy emotional and physical ups and downs. I would like to say we are ready for the roller coaster after months of tests and procedures, but I don't think I can honestly say that until we are in the thick of things. I do know that we are incredibly thankful for our health and our beautiful daughter, so that makes it easier to move into this process with nothing to lose.
Thank you for your encouragement through this!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Ultrasound Galore
When I was pregnant with Anna I had three ultrasounds. They were the some of the most exciting/nerve racking experiences I've ever experienced. The first one was amazing. At 7 weeks we breathed a sigh of relief seeing our little glow worm on the screen with a strong heart beat. We looked at the picture daily. Then at 20 weeks we had our second one where we found out we had a squirmy but healthy baby girl. Deep down in my heart I knew she was a girl. Our third one was at 29 weeks and we saw her sweet profile for the last time while she was in the womb. I loved those ultrasounds and getting a glimpse of the baby we couldn't wait to meet!
Since Anna was born I have had around 8 ultrasounds. When there is no baby involved ultrasounds aren't fun. They are checking for things that are wrong. For most of mine I was treated like a freak of nature by the techs. After a while I went into them telling the tech "Yes I have a lot of cysts and yes they are big." For a while I was having so many ultrasounds that I contemplated going back to school to become an ultrasound tech. I figured if you can't beat them, join them. It was always a little hard being in the waiting room with visibly pregnant ladies going in to get their gender sonograms. I wondered if we would ever be in that position again. I did learn a lot through these 8 ultrasounds and learned not to be alarmed with the tech tried to remain calm while telling me they needed to get their supervisor. Thankfully my surgery didn't confirm what the techs thought was going on.
Thankfully I finally found a doctor who wasn't intimidated by these cysts and took care of the problem. She has reassured me that they shouldn't grow back since it's not endometriosis. My fertility doctor has mentioned several times that these cysts are pretty common. I wish someone had told me that 3 years ago! Moral of the story... always go to a specialist. They know way more about their field that I ever thought.
So on Wednesday I go in for my final pre-screening for in vitro ultrasound. Hopefully it will show that there are no cysts that would keep us from being able to do in vitro. Then a couple of days later we should start our journey with in vitro. As weird as it may sound I am excited about the process because of what the end result could bring... baby(ies). It's not the road we thought we would go down to expand our family but we are beyond thankful that there is something else we can try. We know there will be a lot of ups and downs but hopefully we are ready to take on this new challenge. So wish us luck that everything is clear and we will have the green light to start this process!
Since Anna was born I have had around 8 ultrasounds. When there is no baby involved ultrasounds aren't fun. They are checking for things that are wrong. For most of mine I was treated like a freak of nature by the techs. After a while I went into them telling the tech "Yes I have a lot of cysts and yes they are big." For a while I was having so many ultrasounds that I contemplated going back to school to become an ultrasound tech. I figured if you can't beat them, join them. It was always a little hard being in the waiting room with visibly pregnant ladies going in to get their gender sonograms. I wondered if we would ever be in that position again. I did learn a lot through these 8 ultrasounds and learned not to be alarmed with the tech tried to remain calm while telling me they needed to get their supervisor. Thankfully my surgery didn't confirm what the techs thought was going on.
Thankfully I finally found a doctor who wasn't intimidated by these cysts and took care of the problem. She has reassured me that they shouldn't grow back since it's not endometriosis. My fertility doctor has mentioned several times that these cysts are pretty common. I wish someone had told me that 3 years ago! Moral of the story... always go to a specialist. They know way more about their field that I ever thought.
So on Wednesday I go in for my final pre-screening for in vitro ultrasound. Hopefully it will show that there are no cysts that would keep us from being able to do in vitro. Then a couple of days later we should start our journey with in vitro. As weird as it may sound I am excited about the process because of what the end result could bring... baby(ies). It's not the road we thought we would go down to expand our family but we are beyond thankful that there is something else we can try. We know there will be a lot of ups and downs but hopefully we are ready to take on this new challenge. So wish us luck that everything is clear and we will have the green light to start this process!
Friday, March 7, 2014
A Little Bit Closer
Today we got a little bit closer to seeing our dream of another child come true. I needed two tests done to move forward with being screened for in vitro. The first one was an easy blood draw I did earlier in the week. The second was called a hysteroscopy and I had that done today. I'll discuss the first before the really "fun" one.
On Monday I had blood drawn to check my FSH levels. I am getting really into all the acronyms. They're almost as intense as military ones! Apparently healthy levels of FSH for my age are at a 3 or 4. Well mine was a 9.3. They can still do in vitro on people with levels under 10 but it requires a little more effort than what was originally thought. In layman's terms my ovaries are "aging" faster than a normal 31 year old. So during my treatment I will need to have more medicine than normal to stimulate the maturation of more eggs. Don't I sound like a super smart doctor with all of these terms? My doctor is still not worried and encouraged us it's pretty much now or never if we want to have another baby. That's fine by me after all of this waiting I wouldn't want to wait any longer to try this thing. It was just another assurance that what we are doing is the best possible thing for trying for another one. I knew things just weren't adding up!
The second test I had done was today. It's called a hysteroscopy. Before they shoved a camera up my lady parts they gave me a shot in the butt that made me want to scream. I can handle shots but this one totally took me by surprise. I was a little shocked after when they said "That wasn't bad right? This is what it will feel like every day when you're giving yourself shots." For a second I thought "What the heck are we getting ourselves into here," but I quickly assured myself that after a few days I would get used to the shots. The test itself was only 4 minutes. You would not believe how much those 4 minutes cost us. Not to be a grouch or anything about it. They asked if I wanted to watch my insides on the screen and I looked for a second but got so queasy I had to turn away. This is why I could never go into the medical field. The good news is that everything was clear! It was nice to have a test that turned out to give us good results.
So in a couple of weeks I will meet with the lady who will give us the low down on all the meds and when to take them. Apparently there is a color coded calendar involved that I'm really excited about because I do have a side of me that loves organization. Then I will have another pelvic ultrasound and start the birth control. Yes in this case you go on birth control to be able to get pregnant. Who would've thought?
In the meant time we are praying for a healthy amount of eggs to be harvested and for some good embryos to make this thing happen. Then hopefully the embryo will turn into a blastocyst and the blastocyst into a fetus and a fetus into a baby. How's that for biology? I didn't pay attention to it in high school but I am now! Wish us luck!
On Monday I had blood drawn to check my FSH levels. I am getting really into all the acronyms. They're almost as intense as military ones! Apparently healthy levels of FSH for my age are at a 3 or 4. Well mine was a 9.3. They can still do in vitro on people with levels under 10 but it requires a little more effort than what was originally thought. In layman's terms my ovaries are "aging" faster than a normal 31 year old. So during my treatment I will need to have more medicine than normal to stimulate the maturation of more eggs. Don't I sound like a super smart doctor with all of these terms? My doctor is still not worried and encouraged us it's pretty much now or never if we want to have another baby. That's fine by me after all of this waiting I wouldn't want to wait any longer to try this thing. It was just another assurance that what we are doing is the best possible thing for trying for another one. I knew things just weren't adding up!
The second test I had done was today. It's called a hysteroscopy. Before they shoved a camera up my lady parts they gave me a shot in the butt that made me want to scream. I can handle shots but this one totally took me by surprise. I was a little shocked after when they said "That wasn't bad right? This is what it will feel like every day when you're giving yourself shots." For a second I thought "What the heck are we getting ourselves into here," but I quickly assured myself that after a few days I would get used to the shots. The test itself was only 4 minutes. You would not believe how much those 4 minutes cost us. Not to be a grouch or anything about it. They asked if I wanted to watch my insides on the screen and I looked for a second but got so queasy I had to turn away. This is why I could never go into the medical field. The good news is that everything was clear! It was nice to have a test that turned out to give us good results.
So in a couple of weeks I will meet with the lady who will give us the low down on all the meds and when to take them. Apparently there is a color coded calendar involved that I'm really excited about because I do have a side of me that loves organization. Then I will have another pelvic ultrasound and start the birth control. Yes in this case you go on birth control to be able to get pregnant. Who would've thought?
In the meant time we are praying for a healthy amount of eggs to be harvested and for some good embryos to make this thing happen. Then hopefully the embryo will turn into a blastocyst and the blastocyst into a fetus and a fetus into a baby. How's that for biology? I didn't pay attention to it in high school but I am now! Wish us luck!
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