Here We Go... Again

Well last week we officially hopped back on the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  To be honest I don't know if we ever got off after our last cycle.  Each new day brings a constant barrage of positive and negative emotions.

Last week we started shots again, and on Friday I got to take my last high powered birth control pill.  I was on it for 4 weeks, and it once again made me feel like a crazy person.  If this round doesn't work, I am going to have to have someone force feed the pill to me every day to do it again.  Some days were absolutely miserable, and I gained a good 5 lbs. thanks to those special hormones.  Thankfully the pills are in the past, and we are moving forward.  I remember the nurse saying people complain the most about the pills in the IVF cycle, and I would totally agree with this, although the egg retrieval was pretty terrible too.  At least the retrieval didn't last 4 weeks.  I keep reminding myself that it is a means to an end, and it gets us one step closer to our next miracle.

I promised I would blog throughout this process no matter how hard it was, but it has become more and more difficult to find inspiration to write.  Honestly, I am hopeful, heartbroken, excited, and tired all at the same time.  We don't have the same spring in our step that we had last cycle.  I've been told by other IVF survivors that this is the hardest part of the process, picking yourself up and trying again.  I found this Thomas Edison quote that rings very true right now, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."  This came from the guy who invented the incandescent light bulb.  Who knows how he was feeling when he decided to try one more time.  So that's what we will do.  We will try with our remaining blastocysts who are hanging out in the lab frozen in a couple of weeks and see what happens.  In the meantime we will pray and hope this is the one and ask you to please join us in our prayers and believing for breakthrough.

My mom sent me a card for my birthday that was absolutely perfect.  It says, "I know this hasn't been an easy year for you.  That's why this birthday, I hope you close your eyes and make a wish from your heart.  Don't be afraid to dream bigger and hope higher than you ever have before."  When our hearts are broken we have the choice to retreat and never risk or put ourselves out there again.  My heart literally hurts putting ourselves out there and doing this again, but I can't live any other way.  Our dream for a multiple kid family burns so strong in our hearts.  I can't help but dream bigger and hope higher this time.

4 Years Ago

Around this time of year I always get nostalgic because of something God did 4 years ago.  On Saturday, June 21st, I will turn 32 years old.  My birthday has taken on new meaning because of the coolest miracle I received 4 years ago on my 28th birthday.  This miracle testimony has deepened our faith and relationship with God.

Four years ago we were living in South Carolina, and I was about to have laparoscopic surgery for what the doctor suspected was endometriosis.  We had been praying like crazy for a baby for 10 months.  It felt like an eternity, which is funny because that's nothing as we are approaching our two year mark this time around.  We were weeks away from moving and being apart for nine weeks.  I remember my amazing women's small group and how they prayed week after week for us to get pregnant before we left Charleston.  It didn't look like that was going to happen since I was scheduled for surgery the first week of July.

I remember the day so clearly.  Michael was in prototype and doing "lovely" shift work.  Since he was on night shift he was sleeping during the day when I decided, on a whim, to take a pregnancy test.  I was stressed that my cycle was off because I wanted to be ready for surgery.  I took the test for the peace of mind to know my period was coming.  As I waited for the results I think I was making myself a birthday cake.  I couldn't believe it when I saw the two lines.  How could it be?  I thought I needed surgery for this to happen?  I immediately woke Michael up, and we just looked at it in disbelief.  We bought two more tests just to be safe.

This was us all smiles when we went out to dinner to celebrate the good news and my 28th birthday.  Yes I spent a lot of time in the sun so my hair was almost white.

A few days later I walked into what was supposed to be my pre-op appointment and shared with the doctor our news.  We were thrilled, and after an ultrasound confirmed a strong heart beat and wiggly baby, we were relieved.  A few days later Michael and I went separate ways and weren't reunited until around 20 weeks when we found out we were expecting a girl.  

So as you can imagine, my birthday has become a day of rejoicing the news of our first miracle.  It's pretty hard to top that kind of present!

That February she came into our lives without warning, 3 weeks early, and turned our lives upside down.  She knows how to push ALL of our buttons but brings us so much laughter and delight at the same time.  She loves to tell us that she's a miracle and prays every night for Jesus to give her a baby brother.  When our first round of IVF didn't go as we expected, in her own little way she grieved with us.  We long for the day she becomes the big sister she keeps asking to be.  It's not uncommon for her to see other kids with siblings and announce to the people around her, "I'm going to have a baby brother.  The baby is in mommy's belly."  I think my face turns bright red as all eyes turn to me with that "Are you pregnant" look.  She doesn't let anyone push her around but at the same time is such a sweetheart.  I could go on and on about how amazing our Anna Kathleen is.  Every day she is our walking and talking miracle and proof that God can do anything. 

I've wrestled with so many questions through this season of waiting and have come to the conclusion that I can't afford not to believe for the best.  My great grandfather once said "Never give up to the idea that it won't work out.  You've got to go forward.  The momentum of your faith will carry you through."  Most of the questions I've wrestled with can't be answered, but I know I can't give up to the idea that it won't work out.  I believe that one day it will be our turn again just like it was when we got pregnant with Anna.  One of my wise friends once said "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, it's when."  So we will keep "waiting our turn," and one of these days our number will be called again.  Let's just hope it's sooner than later before these birth control pills take my last thread of sanity.  

I gave myself a pep talk today after feeling down about the immense amount of heartbreak we have gone through over the past couple of years.  I picked up a book I read a few months ago, Supernatural Childbirth, and found this quote, "There comes a time when you have to stand on the Word of God and say, 'No I reject the defeat and the disappointments of the past.  I'm not receiving that anymore.  I'm going to stand on God's Word and have God's best.'"  So here we are, back at this point where we are standing on God's word expecting His best.  Not because we deserve it, but because He has proven Himself a good Father to Michael and me time and time again.  

Hope and Grief

"Thank you, Hannah, for being an example of grace in the midst of grief." - Hannah's Hope

"Knowing God is in control doesn't always keep pain at bay.  As you find yourself in uncomfortable places or conversations, ask God to give you grace to survive the moment, along with an understanding heart to hear the intended meaning behind your friend's words." Jennifer Saake

I have been eyeing this book for a while, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought it.  So far it provides an excellent account of the Biblical story of Hannah and what she endured to get her Samuel.  If you or a loved one is struggling with infertility I would highly recommend this book.  I am reading it quickly and I will probably have to read it again for it all to sink in.  Jennifer Saake hits the nail on the head on so many levels with this book.  The grief and ache from the longing for anything is almost unbearable at times, but what keeps us moving forward is hope.

My desire is to be like Hannah who was an example of grace in the midst of grief.  Some days (especially with the overload of fertility hormones) I'm not very graceful but I will always get up and try again.  People are counting on us continuing the fight to believe for breakthroughs in our lives!

The New Plan

On Friday morning, we had our post IVF follow up appointment.  Apparently the whole office was just as shocked as we were that the first round didn't result in a pregnancy.  Our doctor made the comment that we were the last people he thought wouldn't get pregnant.  I think we left them scratching their heads a bit and proving once again that the IVF process, no matter how perfect it goes, is not 100% full proof.

As the nurse took my stats and asked me what medication I had leftover, I started saying lots of if type statements.  She stopped and looked at me saying "This will work," several times.  Apparently they don't say this kind of thing to everyone.

Then we met with the doctor and talked about how beautifully our first round of IVF went (up until the negative pregnancy test part).  He was pleased with all of our numbers and how great our embryos looked.  He expressed his shock that it didn't work.  Apparently the embryos either stopped growing, didn't hatch, or didn't attach.  IVF takes care of the first 7 steps of pregnancy, but it's up to your body to do the last 3 steps.  There's no way for them to know how far the embryos did or didn't make it.  For some reason it was comforting to know they were as shocked as we were about everything even though there was no explainable reason why it didn't work.

After this part we formulated a new game plan for the next round.  Thankfully they were able to freeze 2 healthy blastocysts from our first egg retrieval, so this time around we can do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).  This is a way less intense form of IVF because there is no ovary stimulation which means there is no egg retrieval.  We were very relieved to hear that this would be an option for us because of how hard the egg retrieval was on my body.  I will still have to do shots but they're basically to make sure the lining is thick enough to support a pregnancy.  We will show up on the preselected day in July and do the transfer.  This time around I won't still be healing from the retrieval.

We are hoping things will be different this time around and these babies will be the ones.  On our first cycle they put back 3 day embryos and let the rest continue to grow in the lab.  On day 5 we had two strong blastocysts so they froze those for us.  Hopefully we will see a difference with 5 day ones.  Before we left the doctor reminded us that we've gotten pregnant on our own before so it will happen again.

I'm Still Here

I needed a few days to decompress from blog writing.  It's almost been two weeks since we found out that our first round of IVF didn't work.  I definitely have my ups and downs, but for the most part we are trying to look forward to our next round.  Sometimes it stings a little when I see pregnant women or families with multiple children.  Of course I am nothing but happy for these people, but things like this set off the sadness that can creep up.  I wasn't prepared at church on Sunday when they did baby dedications.  I lost it and we had to politely excuse ourselves.  My friend reminded me that one day we will be dedicating our baby with his/her own miraculous story.  It's always good to remember that things won't always be like this.

I am back on birth control pills to prepare for the next cycle in July.  We meet with our doctor in two days to discuss plans for the next round.  Anna still wakes up almost every morning asking when she's going to get her baby brother.  I tried to explain that we don't know when that will happen and in all her 3 year old wisdom she replied, "The waiting, it's so hard."  I agree Anna, the waiting is so hard.

Life is pretty much back to "normal" around our house.  As normal as it can be when you're going through this process.  I will continue to blog but I probably won't post the links to Facebook anymore.  Please check back from time to time if you're interested.  I will try to create a fancy button that lets you subscribe to the blog for updates.

There's a song that we've been singing a lot around our house.  Even Anna loves to belt out the chorus.  I thought I would include the lyrics in this post.  It's "It is Well" from the new Bethel CD.  At the end of the day I take comfort because it is well with my soul.

Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Bridge
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name 

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

An IVF Marathon

This weekend did not go at all like we thought it would.  When the nurse told me at my Friday blood draw that I could come back in two hours for the results, we said "Sure why not?  We will just find out the good news early and have all weekend to celebrate."  We had no idea how wrong we would be!

Two hours later we sat in the lab waiting room for our results.  We were shocked when we saw the sheet of paper that said I was within the normal range of a non-pregnant female.  Everything went so perfectly, but unfortunately, sometime last week we lost our two beautiful embryos.  For 28 days we did over 40 shots along with other medications, a painful egg retrieval, and transfer and had nothing to show for it.

At our original doctor's appointment in February he told us the statistics and tried to prepare us for the possibility of it not happening on the first round, but we thought we would beat the odds and get pregnant the first try.  Thankfully we opted for the IVF package that included more than one cycle as an insurance policy.  We had no control over what would happen but still hoped for the best for our first cycle.

As you can imagine, we were shocked and heartbroken that it didn't work.  I would be lying if I said I didn't go home and cry for the rest of the day.  Now that it has been a few days and we have been able to process things we are doing better.  I have talked to several friends who went through multiple rounds of IVF to get their babies, and they have encouraged us to keep trying.  So many things have to line up perfectly for this to happen.  It is so refreshing to be able to talk to people who have been through this.  They understand the process and the ups and downs that come with it.  Those just weren't the right embryos for us even though they looked perfect.  I know some pretty amazing IVF kids who wouldn't be here if their parents gave up after their first round failure.  My IVF friends are some of the most resilient women I've ever met!

We have a plan moving forward.  This week we will have our failure follow up appointment with my doctor and talk about the next cycle.  We have two frozen embryos at the lab waiting for their chance at becoming babies.  The week of July 14th is when we will do our second transfer as long as everything looks okay.  All we can do now is hope for the best for our 2nd cycle.  We will never know if we don't try!

It turns out that the IVF process is more of a marathon than a sprint.  We will go into our next cycle remembering that.

We have had such great support from friends and family through this process.  So many have asked what they can do for us as we go through this process.  I thought about it after a friend encouraged me to be honest about what we need right now.  What would be amazing is if you could stand with us in believing for our miracles.  To speak faith and encouragement into our situation as we hold on to the promises God has made us and fight for our future children.  I know one day we will all get to rejoice together over this victory.

I found this postcard that I know my IVF friends who have gone through multiple rounds will appreciate.  It's a little cynical because there are the lucky few who get pregnant on their first try, but it somehow made me feel like less of a failure today.

China Doll

Things have been very different since our big May 15th transfer day.  Life has really slowed down because it had to.  I've basically turned into a china doll.  After Thursday, I was on semi bed rest for 3-4 days hoping and praying for our little ones to hatch, attach, and grow.  I took lots of naps and basically lived with the heating pad from soreness.  Most of the soreness is from the nightly progesterone shots, but I think I noticed today that I'm not as sore as I was last week at this time.  Maybe my body is actually getting used to the deep muscle shots.  I didn't know that was possible.  I counted last night, and so far in this process, my husband has given me 35 shots.  He is the best shot giver ever though!

I am used to a very active lifestyle, and I have had to pretty much discontinue it for now.  I am missing my hard core gym workouts and my afternoon BBL DVD workouts with my friend Bridget.  Now I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  If I find out I'm pregnant, that number jumps all the way to 20 lbs.  I can walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at the pace of 2.5.  I've been instructed not to break a sweat or do anything that would make my uterus contract.  Whoops I just sneezed, and I am pretty sure everything contracted!  I know it will all be worth it though!

The emotional ups and downs of the IVF cycle have come into full force since the transfer.  I am trying to do things to keep my mind off of it, but it seems like the only time I don't think about it at all is when I'm sleeping.  I got so used to disappointment every month that it is very hard not to project that onto this month.  Sometimes I need to be reminded that this month is different.  I'm learning that it takes even more courage to wait for answers and pregnancy test results.  I knew I had to be brave to go through all of the surgeries and tests, but I forgot that I have to be brave while we wait too.  It takes faith to believe for the best.

My IVF nurse called today to let us know that they were able to freeze 2 embryos.  I asked her when we could use them if this cycle didn't work.  She chided me and said "You won't need to use them because you're going to be pregnant."  She was reminding me that things are different now.  Everything is different now.  So please pray for us as we wait for 6 more days to find out what is going on.  Until then we will be holding on to hope with the tightest grip we can!