You're Pregnant, But...

I've been a little silent on my blog lately.  It was the only way to emotionally survive the waiting game we've been through.  Here's a quick recap before I tell you our newest roadblock.

Our transfer was almost two weeks ago.  It went almost perfectly.  Not only did both embryos survive the thaw, but they were already beginning to hatch by the time we saw a picture of them.  We were ecstatic at the news and felt so encouraged that our little ones were ready to do their thing.  We nicknamed them the go-getters.  The transfer went well, and I took it easy for a few days.  Then we started the waiting period.  I felt some strange pains early in the week, and we hoped and prayed it would be our embryos implanting.

On Wednesday I went in for my first blood test.  Our doctor doesn't tell us the results of the first one.  Last cycle we went back to the hospital on this day and found out our results.  It was hard to get the negative and still have to continue shots so we decided this time around to wait until the second test when the clinic called us.  We were very tempted to get them early or take an at home pregnancy test, but we resisted.

That brings us to yesterday.  We waited for the clinic to call hoping to hear "Congrats you're pregnant, and your numbers look great."  The nurse finally called and with hesitation in her voice told us that I'm pregnant, but my hcg number dropped in 48 hours instead of doubling like it's supposed to.  For most people this might not seem like a big deal because when you miss your period you take an at home pregnancy test that says positive and you move on.  Maybe you take one blood test but that's it.  With IVF and other infertility issues you have to get one every 48 hours.  Your numbers are supposed to double in that time frame.  My first test was a 23 which indicates that one embryo implanted, and the other didn't make it.  My number on Friday was a 22.  The nurse said that there was either a glitch in my test or it could be a chemical pregnancy which is basically an early miscarriage.

So tomorrow I will go in for another blood test that will determine if we keep going or start all over.  We are feeling pretty desperate for a miracle.  Tomorrow the number absolutely has to double.  Please pray that our numbers more than double and that this baby goes on to grow perfectly for 9 months.  This is just another example of the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  I have longed for almost 2 years to hear the words "You're pregnant."  We felt sideswiped by the "but" part of the you're pregnant, but we are holding on to hope that everything is going to be okay.

Thank you for the response everyone is having to our newest challenge.  I went back and forth on whether I should post this blog, but I wanted to update everyone on what's going on.

Good to Go

I am now good to go for our next IVF transfer next week.  I had my lining check today, and it's nice and thick and ready for an embryo or two to implant.  Wow, I have gotten very technical during this process.  As I sat and watched my insides on the screen for the umpteenth time I whispered silent prayers to God asking Him to put a baby or two in there.  Who knows, maybe the next time I get an ultrasound it will be to look at an actual baby.  I don't even remember what that was like!

So, next week they will thaw out our sweet, strong blastocysts and transfer them into their natural habitat.  As soon as that happens I will be considered pregnant again and will hopefully stay that way for 9 months (power of positive thinking).

I downloaded the Time Hop App, and it keeps sending me pictures of sweet Anna 3 years ago at this time when she was a cute, chubby baby who couldn't even sit up.  If I had known how hard it would be to have another I would've cherished the baby days more.  I am just holding on to hope that we will get another chance.

I'm tired, emotional, and hormonal.  At the moment I'm wearing 3 estrogen patches, taking a steroid, and still doing Lupron shots.  The best part is that not only have I developed an allergic reaction to what's in the shot but also my stomach has gotten so tough that it takes a couple of stabs to get the needles in.  They need to make sharper needles for those who have gone through multiple rounds of IVF.  The good news is that it's almost in the past.  I have one more Lupron shot tonight, and then I start the inter muscular progesterone shots (a.k.a. butt shots) tomorrow night.  So if you see me waddling around for a few days that's why.

I honestly don't know how I feel about going through all of this again.  This is why it's awesome that I am surrounded by positive, encouraging people including my amazing husband.  The fact that he still wants to be around me after all of these ups and downs is a miracle in itself.  He keeps assuring me that this will be the one.  I don't feel confident enough to come out and make that kind of statement, but I'm glad one of us can.

So if you think of us next week please say a little prayer for our "babies" and for our sanity.

Let the Games Begin

Today is the day that our second IVF cycle officially begins!  I am feeling optimistic and hopeful thanks to some encouragement from a friend this morning.  I was feeling a little guilty wanting more children when we have this amazing little 3.5 year old who lights up our life every day.  She reminded me that it's not ungrateful to want more children and to hold on to the promises God's given us.  So if you are reading this, thank you for speaking life into our situation!  Anna truly is our reminder of how big God is, but we have such a strong desire in our hearts for more like her.  We would love it if our family consisted of 3 perfect girls right Michael?  I am testing to see if my husband is reading this :)

I headed to the hospital early this morning to get my first blood draw of the cycle.  Thankfully, for a frozen embryo transfer there are only two of these compared to the 6 or 7 I had with my first cycle.  Then after a trip to my RE for my baseline ultrasound (that literally lasted a minute), I was given the thumbs up to add some more medications to my regimen.  In addition to my Lupron shots, I am now taking aspirin, a steroid, prenatal vitamins, and wearing estrogen patches.  

Next week they will check my lining through another ultrasound to make sure everything is good to go for the transfer.  In the meantime we are just hanging out enjoying some trips and time together as a family.  This round I am trying massage therapy to see if it helps with the process.  Who doesn't love an excuse to get a 90 minute massage once a week?  I have this awesome therapist who is teaching me all about essential oil candles and taking deep breaths.  Although at my massage this week I was walking back to my car and a dog almost jumped through a car window at me.  I'm pretty sure that undid all the relaxation that happened in my session.  

So the games have officially begun for us in this next round.  July will be a month of waiting and hoping just like the many months and years before.  Thanks for the well wishes and prayers!  

Here We Go... Again

Well last week we officially hopped back on the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  To be honest I don't know if we ever got off after our last cycle.  Each new day brings a constant barrage of positive and negative emotions.

Last week we started shots again, and on Friday I got to take my last high powered birth control pill.  I was on it for 4 weeks, and it once again made me feel like a crazy person.  If this round doesn't work, I am going to have to have someone force feed the pill to me every day to do it again.  Some days were absolutely miserable, and I gained a good 5 lbs. thanks to those special hormones.  Thankfully the pills are in the past, and we are moving forward.  I remember the nurse saying people complain the most about the pills in the IVF cycle, and I would totally agree with this, although the egg retrieval was pretty terrible too.  At least the retrieval didn't last 4 weeks.  I keep reminding myself that it is a means to an end, and it gets us one step closer to our next miracle.

I promised I would blog throughout this process no matter how hard it was, but it has become more and more difficult to find inspiration to write.  Honestly, I am hopeful, heartbroken, excited, and tired all at the same time.  We don't have the same spring in our step that we had last cycle.  I've been told by other IVF survivors that this is the hardest part of the process, picking yourself up and trying again.  I found this Thomas Edison quote that rings very true right now, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."  This came from the guy who invented the incandescent light bulb.  Who knows how he was feeling when he decided to try one more time.  So that's what we will do.  We will try with our remaining blastocysts who are hanging out in the lab frozen in a couple of weeks and see what happens.  In the meantime we will pray and hope this is the one and ask you to please join us in our prayers and believing for breakthrough.

My mom sent me a card for my birthday that was absolutely perfect.  It says, "I know this hasn't been an easy year for you.  That's why this birthday, I hope you close your eyes and make a wish from your heart.  Don't be afraid to dream bigger and hope higher than you ever have before."  When our hearts are broken we have the choice to retreat and never risk or put ourselves out there again.  My heart literally hurts putting ourselves out there and doing this again, but I can't live any other way.  Our dream for a multiple kid family burns so strong in our hearts.  I can't help but dream bigger and hope higher this time.

4 Years Ago

Around this time of year I always get nostalgic because of something God did 4 years ago.  On Saturday, June 21st, I will turn 32 years old.  My birthday has taken on new meaning because of the coolest miracle I received 4 years ago on my 28th birthday.  This miracle testimony has deepened our faith and relationship with God.

Four years ago we were living in South Carolina, and I was about to have laparoscopic surgery for what the doctor suspected was endometriosis.  We had been praying like crazy for a baby for 10 months.  It felt like an eternity, which is funny because that's nothing as we are approaching our two year mark this time around.  We were weeks away from moving and being apart for nine weeks.  I remember my amazing women's small group and how they prayed week after week for us to get pregnant before we left Charleston.  It didn't look like that was going to happen since I was scheduled for surgery the first week of July.

I remember the day so clearly.  Michael was in prototype and doing "lovely" shift work.  Since he was on night shift he was sleeping during the day when I decided, on a whim, to take a pregnancy test.  I was stressed that my cycle was off because I wanted to be ready for surgery.  I took the test for the peace of mind to know my period was coming.  As I waited for the results I think I was making myself a birthday cake.  I couldn't believe it when I saw the two lines.  How could it be?  I thought I needed surgery for this to happen?  I immediately woke Michael up, and we just looked at it in disbelief.  We bought two more tests just to be safe.

This was us all smiles when we went out to dinner to celebrate the good news and my 28th birthday.  Yes I spent a lot of time in the sun so my hair was almost white.

A few days later I walked into what was supposed to be my pre-op appointment and shared with the doctor our news.  We were thrilled, and after an ultrasound confirmed a strong heart beat and wiggly baby, we were relieved.  A few days later Michael and I went separate ways and weren't reunited until around 20 weeks when we found out we were expecting a girl.  

So as you can imagine, my birthday has become a day of rejoicing the news of our first miracle.  It's pretty hard to top that kind of present!

That February she came into our lives without warning, 3 weeks early, and turned our lives upside down.  She knows how to push ALL of our buttons but brings us so much laughter and delight at the same time.  She loves to tell us that she's a miracle and prays every night for Jesus to give her a baby brother.  When our first round of IVF didn't go as we expected, in her own little way she grieved with us.  We long for the day she becomes the big sister she keeps asking to be.  It's not uncommon for her to see other kids with siblings and announce to the people around her, "I'm going to have a baby brother.  The baby is in mommy's belly."  I think my face turns bright red as all eyes turn to me with that "Are you pregnant" look.  She doesn't let anyone push her around but at the same time is such a sweetheart.  I could go on and on about how amazing our Anna Kathleen is.  Every day she is our walking and talking miracle and proof that God can do anything. 

I've wrestled with so many questions through this season of waiting and have come to the conclusion that I can't afford not to believe for the best.  My great grandfather once said "Never give up to the idea that it won't work out.  You've got to go forward.  The momentum of your faith will carry you through."  Most of the questions I've wrestled with can't be answered, but I know I can't give up to the idea that it won't work out.  I believe that one day it will be our turn again just like it was when we got pregnant with Anna.  One of my wise friends once said "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, it's when."  So we will keep "waiting our turn," and one of these days our number will be called again.  Let's just hope it's sooner than later before these birth control pills take my last thread of sanity.  

I gave myself a pep talk today after feeling down about the immense amount of heartbreak we have gone through over the past couple of years.  I picked up a book I read a few months ago, Supernatural Childbirth, and found this quote, "There comes a time when you have to stand on the Word of God and say, 'No I reject the defeat and the disappointments of the past.  I'm not receiving that anymore.  I'm going to stand on God's Word and have God's best.'"  So here we are, back at this point where we are standing on God's word expecting His best.  Not because we deserve it, but because He has proven Himself a good Father to Michael and me time and time again.  

Hope and Grief

"Thank you, Hannah, for being an example of grace in the midst of grief." - Hannah's Hope

"Knowing God is in control doesn't always keep pain at bay.  As you find yourself in uncomfortable places or conversations, ask God to give you grace to survive the moment, along with an understanding heart to hear the intended meaning behind your friend's words." Jennifer Saake

I have been eyeing this book for a while, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought it.  So far it provides an excellent account of the Biblical story of Hannah and what she endured to get her Samuel.  If you or a loved one is struggling with infertility I would highly recommend this book.  I am reading it quickly and I will probably have to read it again for it all to sink in.  Jennifer Saake hits the nail on the head on so many levels with this book.  The grief and ache from the longing for anything is almost unbearable at times, but what keeps us moving forward is hope.

My desire is to be like Hannah who was an example of grace in the midst of grief.  Some days (especially with the overload of fertility hormones) I'm not very graceful but I will always get up and try again.  People are counting on us continuing the fight to believe for breakthroughs in our lives!

The New Plan

On Friday morning, we had our post IVF follow up appointment.  Apparently the whole office was just as shocked as we were that the first round didn't result in a pregnancy.  Our doctor made the comment that we were the last people he thought wouldn't get pregnant.  I think we left them scratching their heads a bit and proving once again that the IVF process, no matter how perfect it goes, is not 100% full proof.

As the nurse took my stats and asked me what medication I had leftover, I started saying lots of if type statements.  She stopped and looked at me saying "This will work," several times.  Apparently they don't say this kind of thing to everyone.

Then we met with the doctor and talked about how beautifully our first round of IVF went (up until the negative pregnancy test part).  He was pleased with all of our numbers and how great our embryos looked.  He expressed his shock that it didn't work.  Apparently the embryos either stopped growing, didn't hatch, or didn't attach.  IVF takes care of the first 7 steps of pregnancy, but it's up to your body to do the last 3 steps.  There's no way for them to know how far the embryos did or didn't make it.  For some reason it was comforting to know they were as shocked as we were about everything even though there was no explainable reason why it didn't work.

After this part we formulated a new game plan for the next round.  Thankfully they were able to freeze 2 healthy blastocysts from our first egg retrieval, so this time around we can do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).  This is a way less intense form of IVF because there is no ovary stimulation which means there is no egg retrieval.  We were very relieved to hear that this would be an option for us because of how hard the egg retrieval was on my body.  I will still have to do shots but they're basically to make sure the lining is thick enough to support a pregnancy.  We will show up on the preselected day in July and do the transfer.  This time around I won't still be healing from the retrieval.

We are hoping things will be different this time around and these babies will be the ones.  On our first cycle they put back 3 day embryos and let the rest continue to grow in the lab.  On day 5 we had two strong blastocysts so they froze those for us.  Hopefully we will see a difference with 5 day ones.  Before we left the doctor reminded us that we've gotten pregnant on our own before so it will happen again.