Golden First Birthday

It has been almost a year since I last updated my Unsilent Struggle blog.  The boys turned one on July 1st making it their golden birthday.  The past year has been the hardest, most rewarding year of our lives.  We have had to learn to ride the way of chaos like none other parenting an older sibling and twins while living in 5 different homes. We breathed a sigh of relief on their birthday knowing we survived the first year.  It will all be downhill from now on, right? Ha!

It's hard to believe that two years ago we began our horrific second round of IVF that ended in a drawn out ectopic pregnancy.  Then we jetted off to Hawaii to regroup and decided to try one last round which lead to our two beautiful boys.  Two years later and our house is full of the laughter of 3 kids who we fought like crazy for.  The journey has not been easy but it has ended with so much sweetness.

Our boys are completely different from each other.  No one believes us that they are twins.  Finn has been a consistent 6 lbs heavier and is built like a linebacker.  He lives to eat and is totally laid back unless food is involved.  He is our sensitive baby who feels things deeply.  Larsen is the fun loving, fearless, mischievous twin.  He is small but mighty and shocked us all when he started walking at 10.5 months.  Together they make the perfect combo.

I've thought many times over the last year about updating the blog, but it has been so hard to find time to collect my thoughts and write anything concrete.  What I do know more than ever is that parenting is hard work and God is way better than we ever thought He was.

To all of you reading this blog who are still waiting on their miracles, I have tears in my eyes thinking of your aching hearts.  There is truly nothing easy about the road you are on.  You are constantly on my heart and prayers as you drudge through your own journey.  Please know that you are not forgotten.  If this is your first time here I have detailed the ups and downs of our story on this blog.

For their first birthday we gave the boys a cake smash photo session (or maybe it was more for their mama) and I am blown away by the shots our photographer was able to get.  All the photo credit goes to Following Seas Photography

www.followingseasphotography.com

The Day We Became a Family of 5

It's been a while since my last blog, but I am proud to announce that on July 1st we welcomed our twin boys into the world at 8:13 p.m. and 8:14 p.m.  Larsen Michael was 5 lbs. 3 oz. and 18 3/4 inches long, while Finn Ryan was 5 lbs. 11 oz. and 19 inches long.  They were born at 35.5 weeks and were completely healthy and happy little boys who didn't need any sort of assistance.  We were so happy to finally see their faces!

Until 31 weeks I had a totally normal pregnancy and most of the time forgot the fact that I was carrying twins besides feeling movements all over my stomach.  At 31 weeks I started having intense pre-term contractions that sent me to L&D.  Thankfully I didn't have any dilation, and it stayed like that for weeks.  Every day I battled the contractions and was on medicine to slow them down.  At 35 weeks I went back to L&D where they worked their magic to slow them down again to try to get me to 36 weeks.  Then, a few days later, the contractions had their way and wouldn't slow down after hours at the hospital.  We discussed it with our doctor and decided it would be best to go ahead and do the c-section because of the stress it was causing to my body.  Carrying almost 11 lbs. of just babies is hard work!

I had an emergency c-section with Anna that was a little traumatic because of a cord prolapse condition. I was really hoping for a different experience this time.  This time around everything was absolutely perfect!  I wouldn't change anything about my birth experience.  My c-section was absolutely beautiful.  I was being taken care of by a doctor that I saw at every single appointment who was there for us day and night throughout the pregnancy.  My doctor was so good about walking me through everything he was doing, and I was never worried the whole time.  Everything went so smoothly, and minutes later Michael watched our doctor pull both boys out.

The rest of our 5 night stay at the hospital was incredible.  I really didn't want to leave.  We had the best nurses, and our boys were being monitored closely but still got to spend a lot of time with us in our room.  We spent our 4th of July snuggling our babies who showed up 4.5 weeks early.  Anna was really excited to meet her baby brothers too!  

I love that all 3 of our kids are complete miracles.  Our journey to get them was different, but they have stories that are backed by a lot of prayer.  I am constantly reminded of how perfect God's timing is.  They came at the perfect time as my doctor said my uterus was starting to get really thin and could've ruptured if we waited much longer.  Also he confirmed the necessity of us doing IVF because of what was going on in my body.  So far the nights are long and the days are short, but we are so grateful for the opportunity to have not one but two babies again.  They are the sweetest little boys who we will cherish for the rest of our lives.  Thank you for following our story!

Almost 25 Weeks!

On Saturday we will hit the big 2-5 week point in our twin pregnancy!  This feels like a major milestone for us just because it's when our doctor said more restrictions would be put into effect.  I've been placed on a travel ban which is totally fine by me and will start a modified bed rest this weekend.  It sounds much worse than it actually is.  I basically have to lay down every two hours for 15 minutes to make sure I'm not contracting.  Plus a few other things.  I love the idea of having permission to rest whenever I need to.  Our doctor is the go to doc for twin pregnancies in the area, and he has seen a lot of his patients carry their twins to full term using this method.

Today we had an appointment where we heard both the heart beats and had another ultrasound.  So far I am measuring around 32 weeks which is normal when there are two in the picture.  The boys are constantly growing and are pretty much the same size which is great.  Every time we see them they look more human.  They definitely look like they are running out of room in there.  They are both head down and head to head.  One is never shy about showing off his profile, and the other seems a little more reserved.  Their sweet profiles look just the way I remember Anna's.

They seem to get more and more active as the weeks fly by, and it is the most amazing thing feeling two babies kicking at once.  I remember wondering if I would ever get to feel another baby kick, and here I am now a year after we started our first round of IVF feeling two babies!  It is amazing to think about all that can happen in a year.

So for now we are hanging tight hoping the boys won't make their appearance for another 12 weeks (Mid July).  We aren't working on any kind of nursery since we will move shortly after they are born and don't have any room in our California bungalow, but I am having fun baby bargain shopping!

Gender and Name Reveal

Hello again! It's been a while since I last blogged. So far I have had a pretty uneventful pregnancy minus a bleeding scare at 16 weeks which was terrifying especially coming off an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully my doctor doesn't mind 5 a.m. phone calls, and he got me in for an ultrasound and check up a few hours later. Everything was fine, and we moved forward.

Today marks 19 weeks and 2 days with these sweet twins, and it was also our big anatomy scan. It was a little anticlimactic because we found out a few weeks ago what we were most likely having. The beauty of having twins is the unlimited amount of ultrasounds that happen at every appointment! Still, the half way point is an important time in pregnancy where they can see a lot more.  We were relieved to hear all the genetic testing came back normal and that the twins are growing right on schedule.

Also some big news was confirmed that we are indeed having... TWO BOYS!!!

For some reason I had a feeling from the start that it was two boys. They are fraternal twins, so it could've been any combo. This was all I did for a gender reveal to announce our exciting news. We told Anna, and at first she was really upset about not getting a brother and a sister, but by the end of the day she warmed up to the idea. Now she tells everyone she is going to be the queen.

We also decided to reveal their names and explain why we chose them. Since they are still moving around and switching places in the womb right now, we aren't assigning who gets what name until they are here.

Our first name is Larsen Michael. Larsen was my great grandmother's maiden name who I was named after. We have always had a Larsen Michael in mind since we set out on this journey to have a family. I love last names as first names, and we both have been drawn to this name. We chose Michael as the middle name, so he would have his dad's name.

Our second name is Finn Ryan. As well as being a naval officer, Michael is really into sailing, and I grew up around water and boats, so we wanted a nautical name for one of the boys. We started looking and both really liked the name Finn, so we went with it. Ryan is Michael's middle name, so we chose that so they would both have a piece of their dad's name. Here are their sweet profiles!

It has been an exciting day, and we are so grateful for the news of healthy boys. We are still trying to wrap our minds around the idea that there are two babies growing in there! Now we wait, pray, and hope I can carry these babies as long as possible! Thanks for sharing in our exciting news. 

Graduation Day

Today we graduated to a regular OB!  It felt so weird stepping into a doctor's office other than the fertility clinic.  There was a noticeably different vibe in the office as it exists to support the already pregnant ladies whereas the clinic's main focus is surmounting the challenges to help people get pregnant.  I was so excited and counted down the days until this appointment.

So far we LOVE our doctor.  He spent so much time with us discussing twin pregnancy and how they will do whatever they can to help me go as long as I need to be able to have healthy twins.  We were thrilled to hear that they will be doing an ultrasound at every appointment.  I've already had the same number of ultrasounds as I did in Anna's whole pregnancy.

The ultrasound was awesome.  The babies looked like humans this time.  We could see their legs and hands, and they were kicking and waving like crazy.  It was also entertaining to watch the doctor find two heart beats on the doppler before the ultrasound.  I am 10 weeks 4 days today, and both babies were measuring right at 11 weeks.  So they are growing strong and have very active heart rates.  It was amazing to see all of their details on the screen.

Until 25 weeks it will be a pretty regular pregnancy.  I'll see the doctor once a month, and then we will switch to once every two weeks.  It looks like we will find out the genders in early March.  After 25 weeks I will have a lot of restrictions to prevent pre-term labor and keep the babies healthy.

It still hasn't hit me that we are going to have two babies.  I'm not sure when it will!  Anna is very excited for her "baby brother and baby sister" as she calls them.  Try explaining to a 4 year old that it also could be two girls or two boys.  She will not have that notion.

Thank you again for your prayers!  We are still taking things day by day and celebrating each milestone in this somewhat long process.  I will continue to keep all of you posted on our progress when we have another appointment in February.

Breaking the Silence With Good News

Many of you know that at the very end of October we embarked on our 3rd round of IVF.  After the heart break of our ectopic pregnancy in August we took a break and traveled to Hawaii, just the two of us, to heal and re-group.  It was such a refreshing time which got us ready for a fresh round of IVF in November.  We met with our doctor beforehand, and he assured us that ectopics were flukes and he was very confident that we would get pregnant.

Since it was a fresh round, we started from scratch.  It definitely didn't go exactly how we planned, but that rarely happens in life.  We were shocked on the day of the retrieval when our doctor told us that there were only 5 mature eggs (apparently 32 is not the new 22 when it comes to producing massive amounts of eggs to be fertilized).  We were hoping for a lot more so we would have countless tries at frozen rounds.  My acupuncturist was so encouraging through the whole round reminding me that we were looking for quality embryos not quantity.  Out of the 5, we ended up with 3 strong embryos.  We were also set on using 5 day embryos, not 3 day ones because it seemed like my body responded the best to the 5 day ones.  Thankfully our doctor felt the same way and let our embryos grow for 5 days despite how few we had.

Then, on November 13th, we transferred a 3AB and a 4AA (these only make sense if you speak IVF) embryo.  We had a sense that this had to be the one and that one of these babies was going to stick.  It was pretty much our last shot.  See picture below of our two "beautiful" embryos.

I was an absolute mess during the wait after the transfer.  I was still recovering from the egg retrieval and trying to stay relaxed.  When we went in for our first blood test I was convinced it didn't work.  We got our results at the lab and it said I was pregnant.  The lab techs who were there knew me from our many months of blood draws, and they were literally jumping up and down with excitement.  I still felt a little nervous because with the ectopic, we found out on the second blood test something was wrong.  

So we waited another 48 hours for the next test and the number more than tripled.  Then it tripled again, and more than doubled after that.  I think our nurse immediately thought twins but for some reason I felt like it was one strong baby.  Our almost 4 year old thought differently.  From the start she has claimed that it is two babies.  We tried to prepare her that it could only be one, but she wouldn't accept it! 

Then we waited another two weeks for our first ultrasound on December 10th when I was 6.5 weeks pregnant.  What do you think showed up??  Two sacs of course.  I immediately asked if there were babies in those sacs, and the doctor showed us two beautiful babies in two sacs.  We held back tears as we saw them for the first time and heard their strong heart beats.  Everything looked great.  The twins were growing right on target and had strong heart beats at 124 and 125 bpm.  You can hardly see them in this picture because how tiny they were and Twin A was nuzzled close to the lining.

Sorry for the length of this post, but there's been a lot to cover!  On December 23rd we had our second and final ultrasound at the fertility clinic when I was 8.5 weeks along.  That's when we saw two thriving babies with strong heart beats.  We even got to see them wiggling around, and they were very active.  Twin B is the one that is harder to see and was definitely the more active one.  After this appointment we were officially released to a regular OB.  Our doctor was so pleased with how they looked.  We are very grateful for all they did for us to help our dreams come true. 

There is never a "safe" time to announce a twin pregnancy, so I wanted to blog to share our story but also to ask for more prayers for these two babies and this pregnancy.  We still feel like we have a long road to travel to hold these babies in our arms, but we are taking it one day at a time and celebrating every milestone along the way.  Today I am 9.5 weeks along and working through lots of typical pregnancy symptoms.  Every day I am in awe of what God has done in giving us these amazing Christmas presents.  

We are so grateful and excited about what is ahead.  Please cover these babies in prayer as they continue to grow.  I will head back to the doctor January 7th and probably every couple of weeks after since it is twins.  We are so thankful for your support and prayers! 

A Wish for Another Chance

My new favorite app is Timehop.  Most of you know I am a picture freak, and I constantly over share with the rest of social media, so my Timehop every day is full of old pictures from the past few years.  I love looking at it in the morning and remembering those times.  The best ones are pictures of Anna from 2 and 3 years ago.  I hardly remember what it was like when she was so small.  This, among many other reasons, is why I'm asking for one more chance.

To spare you from reading through the many blog posts I've written, I'll sum it up.  We have been experiencing secondary infertility for two years mostly because of my body reacting poorly to my emergency c-section and wrapping the important parts of my reproductive system up in nasty scar tissue.  I am coming up on my one year anniversary of the laparoscopic surgery that brought the news that would turn our world upside down.  Our doctor informed us that the only way to expand our family would be through IVF.  The silver lining of the c-section drama is that we have a beautiful little 3.5 year old girl for whom we will be forever grateful as she blesses our life every single day.

We switched over to the infertility world about 6 months ago and have undergone two rounds of IVF (one fresh round and one frozen).  Throughout this time we have felt so thankful for what we have but still yearn for one more child or children to complete our family.  So all 3 of us have a huge wish.  We wish to be able to do this all again, to welcome another baby to our family.  It's hard not to want another one when I look at my sweet girl and her pictures from baby days.

So God please give us one more chance.  I promise we will love and welcome another Cribbs baby into the lonely crib that has been laying dormant in our garage for a while now.  We trust in your timing and hope for good news soon.  I mean how could you not want another one after seeing this picture?  Yes I am extremely biased!

The Journey Back to Zero

Last week I traveled home to celebrate the life of my amazing, 98 year old grandmother who passed away at the end of August. At her memorial service I talked with several of you who have followed my blog.  Not only did you have amazing things to say about my grandmother but you took the time to acknowledge the loss we have been through and that was really touching.  It made me thankful for the community I have, even if right now it is an online one.  Thank you for your encouragement to keep going and fighting for this dream we have in our hearts for another child.  Thank you for reminding me that we are not alone in this struggle.

We are now almost 4 weeks post miscarriage.  I have had some time to process the loss and get some clarity on things.  I will spare you the details of course because they aren't pleasant.  Since I did not miscarry naturally it was a little tricky.  My doctor gave me the MTX shot to end the ectopic pregnancy, and several days after the shot my number went up instead of down.  I was so nervous about getting another dose because it made me very sick.  Thankfully a few days later it began to drop.  It was slow going at first and very painful physically and emotionally.  Finally last week my number dramatically dropped back down to an 8 which is almost normal.  We were so relieved to hear the news that my body is pretty much back to 0 which is the goal after a miscarriage.  Plus no more blood draws for now!  I think I had 16 of them in one month.

So, what's next?  Right now we are just relaxing and enjoying a time of no medicine, doctors appointments, or needles.  We are even going to take a trip to Hawaii for some R&R after 6 months of ups and downs.  In the late fall we will start thinking about trying another round.  From what we have read, ectopics are kind of a fluke thing that can happen.  My body wanted to get pregnant, but unfortunately our embryos didn't implant in the right place.  Hopefully with some new things we are trying it will cut down on our chances of a repeat ectopic.

Thank you for your prayers especially ones for clarity.  We started this process knowing we would give it our best shot.  We contemplated all the different options to add to our family and had a peace about using our time and resources to go forward with IVF.  A lot of people have asked why we don't go down other roads, and that is our reason.  So we have one more shot at a fresh round of In Vitro, and we will give it our all.

The night my grandmother died, her family and caregivers recited Psalm 23 to her as she slipped away and joined the great cloud of witnesses.  This Psalm has taken on new meaning knowing how it comforted her.  We may "walk through the darkest valley," but we don't have to be afraid of what's next.  I know if she were here right now, she would hold my hand and gracefully tell me in her comforting way, "This too shall pass."

Bad News Bears

Over the past fews weeks we have received nothing but bad news.  Our pregnancy seemed to be doomed from the very start.  We did continue to hope despite the weird numbers that we would be that one pregnancy that made it.  Our faith was tested multiple times as we rode the IVF roller coaster that seemed to be very cruel to us.

Today I had some sharp pains, and because of the risks the doctor sent me right to the ER to be evaluated.  We spent 4 hours waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  Apparently the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy sends doctors into an absolute panic.  It is a very scary, life threatening miscarriage to go through, and it is really important to catch it before it does any damage.

They wheeled me away to the radiology department where they did a very thorough, extremely uncomfortable ultrasound.  The tech was very by the book and didn't tell us anything.  We knew it wasn't good news when she kept listening for a heart beat and found nothing.  After all the waiting it was time to get Anna from school.  Michael waited until the last second and then bolted to pick her up. Of course the doctor came while he was gone to give us the news.  Thankfully I had some amazing friends to talk to as I received the news.

He said it was an ectopic like everyone suspected.  They searched and searched for a baby and found nothing.  No sign of a baby anywhere near the uterus.  This makes them assume it's ectopic and somewhere wrong like the tubes.  We left knowing the final outcome of this crazy roller coaster ride.

Tomorrow I will have a shot to end whatever cells exist in the tubes.  Like I said, we are extremely lucky they discovered this early enough to not have to do an emergency surgery to remove the tubes completely.  We are sad, mad, crushed, and also relieved that we FINALLY have an answer.  I will continue to get blood work done until my level has gone back down to 0.

We will be taking a few months off to recover from this heart break and will do another round of IVF in the fall.  I have decided to also take a break from blogging.  It has become too painful to write through the sadness.  I will never understand why this has been such a struggle for us and for others it seems so easy, but that's not for me to know.  I will blog again when we have actual GOOD news to share.

The Saga Continues

I have gone back and forth over whether I should share this part of our story for anyone in cyber space to read.  Then I remembered that when we started this journey I was so frustrated with the silence that went along with infertility.  I wanted to break that silence and share with others so that people wouldn't be ashamed by what they are going through.  To do that I realized that I have to be vulnerable about sharing what's going on even though our natural tendency is to keep it a secret.  Infertility and miscarriages are SO common among women, and they are incredibly terrible, painful things to go through.  So if I haven't said it before, welcome to the ups and downs of trying to expand our family through In Vitro.

The last time I blogged I asked for prayers that a miracle would take place in my body and we would not lose the pregnancy that we longed to keep.  My beta number did not look good, and my next one wasn't much better even though it went up.  At that point we thought we lost the pregnancy completely until a few days later when my beta doubled like it was supposed to.

There is no way to know exactly what happened, but most likely I was pregnant with twins.  It has been my life long dream to have twins.  Well soon after both implanted, one of the twins did not make it.  This made my beta drop from 23 to 22 because it was a combined number.  Obviously we don't know what number each twin comprised, but the drop gave the appearance of a total loss.  A couple of days later the bleeding began, and I miscarried the twin.  Despite the intense bleeding and cramping, my number continued to double showing that the other twin continued to grow.  We had no idea if this other baby would be able to survive with the conditions being like they were.  I am sad we lost the twin, but I don't want to give up on our other one!

After a couple of doubling my number continued to increase but not quite double every 48 hours.  The doctor likes an 80% increase every 48 hours, and I've been at around 67%.  Basically it is doubling every 60 hours.  From what we've heard and what our doctor has said, this is not a good thing MOST of the time.  They think it could be ectopic or a blight ovum (sac but no baby), or that I just have weird numbers and there's a perfectly normal baby growing in there.  They did tell us that sometimes it goes on to be a healthy pregnancy.  Could we be in that small minority?  I certainly hope so, but at this point only time will tell.

We have spent the last 15 days asking the question, "What the heck is going on?"  Things are not progressing like a "normal" pregnancy, but also in a "normal" pregnancy your HCG levels aren't tested every 48 hours starting when you're 3 weeks pregnant.  I didn't even know with Anna that I was pregnant until at least 5 weeks along.  It was so simple.  I took a pregnancy test, did one blood test, and a couple weeks later we saw her for the first time on a sonogram.  There was no stress or percentages to meet.  This is NOT the case with IVF.  They monitor any and everything.  Hence why I've had 8 blood tests in two weeks.

So here we are again at a crossroads believing that I am an exception to the 80% increase rule.  We have shed so many tears over the loss of one baby and the stress of what the unknown has brought with this new challenge.  We have prayed over and over for God to end this pregnancy naturally if it's not healthy but to grow it if it is.  A miscarriage is terrible, but one that drags on for over two weeks is even worse. I am continuing to take my medicines including a nightly progesterone shot in hopes of supporting the baby trying its hardest to grow for us.  Fight little baby fight!

My levels are finally getting high enough to be able to do an ultrasound.  So I will have another blood draw on Tuesday, and if the numbers are high enough, then they will do an ultrasound either Wed. or Friday.  Hopefully that one will rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which they are very worried about) and give us more clarity about what is actually going on in there.

We still haven't been able to celebrate our first positive pregnancy test in two years or feel any sense of relief.  Technically, I am pregnant according to my blood tests, but it doesn't feel like it at all.  We are staying hopeful despite the circumstances, but it has been a very challenging time.

Basically to sum it all up, the saga continues.

You're Pregnant, But...

I've been a little silent on my blog lately.  It was the only way to emotionally survive the waiting game we've been through.  Here's a quick recap before I tell you our newest roadblock.

Our transfer was almost two weeks ago.  It went almost perfectly.  Not only did both embryos survive the thaw, but they were already beginning to hatch by the time we saw a picture of them.  We were ecstatic at the news and felt so encouraged that our little ones were ready to do their thing.  We nicknamed them the go-getters.  The transfer went well, and I took it easy for a few days.  Then we started the waiting period.  I felt some strange pains early in the week, and we hoped and prayed it would be our embryos implanting.

On Wednesday I went in for my first blood test.  Our doctor doesn't tell us the results of the first one.  Last cycle we went back to the hospital on this day and found out our results.  It was hard to get the negative and still have to continue shots so we decided this time around to wait until the second test when the clinic called us.  We were very tempted to get them early or take an at home pregnancy test, but we resisted.

That brings us to yesterday.  We waited for the clinic to call hoping to hear "Congrats you're pregnant, and your numbers look great."  The nurse finally called and with hesitation in her voice told us that I'm pregnant, but my hcg number dropped in 48 hours instead of doubling like it's supposed to.  For most people this might not seem like a big deal because when you miss your period you take an at home pregnancy test that says positive and you move on.  Maybe you take one blood test but that's it.  With IVF and other infertility issues you have to get one every 48 hours.  Your numbers are supposed to double in that time frame.  My first test was a 23 which indicates that one embryo implanted, and the other didn't make it.  My number on Friday was a 22.  The nurse said that there was either a glitch in my test or it could be a chemical pregnancy which is basically an early miscarriage.

So tomorrow I will go in for another blood test that will determine if we keep going or start all over.  We are feeling pretty desperate for a miracle.  Tomorrow the number absolutely has to double.  Please pray that our numbers more than double and that this baby goes on to grow perfectly for 9 months.  This is just another example of the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  I have longed for almost 2 years to hear the words "You're pregnant."  We felt sideswiped by the "but" part of the you're pregnant, but we are holding on to hope that everything is going to be okay.

Thank you for the response everyone is having to our newest challenge.  I went back and forth on whether I should post this blog, but I wanted to update everyone on what's going on.

Good to Go

I am now good to go for our next IVF transfer next week.  I had my lining check today, and it's nice and thick and ready for an embryo or two to implant.  Wow, I have gotten very technical during this process.  As I sat and watched my insides on the screen for the umpteenth time I whispered silent prayers to God asking Him to put a baby or two in there.  Who knows, maybe the next time I get an ultrasound it will be to look at an actual baby.  I don't even remember what that was like!

So, next week they will thaw out our sweet, strong blastocysts and transfer them into their natural habitat.  As soon as that happens I will be considered pregnant again and will hopefully stay that way for 9 months (power of positive thinking).

I downloaded the Time Hop App, and it keeps sending me pictures of sweet Anna 3 years ago at this time when she was a cute, chubby baby who couldn't even sit up.  If I had known how hard it would be to have another I would've cherished the baby days more.  I am just holding on to hope that we will get another chance.

I'm tired, emotional, and hormonal.  At the moment I'm wearing 3 estrogen patches, taking a steroid, and still doing Lupron shots.  The best part is that not only have I developed an allergic reaction to what's in the shot but also my stomach has gotten so tough that it takes a couple of stabs to get the needles in.  They need to make sharper needles for those who have gone through multiple rounds of IVF.  The good news is that it's almost in the past.  I have one more Lupron shot tonight, and then I start the inter muscular progesterone shots (a.k.a. butt shots) tomorrow night.  So if you see me waddling around for a few days that's why.

I honestly don't know how I feel about going through all of this again.  This is why it's awesome that I am surrounded by positive, encouraging people including my amazing husband.  The fact that he still wants to be around me after all of these ups and downs is a miracle in itself.  He keeps assuring me that this will be the one.  I don't feel confident enough to come out and make that kind of statement, but I'm glad one of us can.

So if you think of us next week please say a little prayer for our "babies" and for our sanity.

Let the Games Begin

Today is the day that our second IVF cycle officially begins!  I am feeling optimistic and hopeful thanks to some encouragement from a friend this morning.  I was feeling a little guilty wanting more children when we have this amazing little 3.5 year old who lights up our life every day.  She reminded me that it's not ungrateful to want more children and to hold on to the promises God's given us.  So if you are reading this, thank you for speaking life into our situation!  Anna truly is our reminder of how big God is, but we have such a strong desire in our hearts for more like her.  We would love it if our family consisted of 3 perfect girls right Michael?  I am testing to see if my husband is reading this :)

I headed to the hospital early this morning to get my first blood draw of the cycle.  Thankfully, for a frozen embryo transfer there are only two of these compared to the 6 or 7 I had with my first cycle.  Then after a trip to my RE for my baseline ultrasound (that literally lasted a minute), I was given the thumbs up to add some more medications to my regimen.  In addition to my Lupron shots, I am now taking aspirin, a steroid, prenatal vitamins, and wearing estrogen patches.  

Next week they will check my lining through another ultrasound to make sure everything is good to go for the transfer.  In the meantime we are just hanging out enjoying some trips and time together as a family.  This round I am trying massage therapy to see if it helps with the process.  Who doesn't love an excuse to get a 90 minute massage once a week?  I have this awesome therapist who is teaching me all about essential oil candles and taking deep breaths.  Although at my massage this week I was walking back to my car and a dog almost jumped through a car window at me.  I'm pretty sure that undid all the relaxation that happened in my session.  

So the games have officially begun for us in this next round.  July will be a month of waiting and hoping just like the many months and years before.  Thanks for the well wishes and prayers!  

Here We Go... Again

Well last week we officially hopped back on the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  To be honest I don't know if we ever got off after our last cycle.  Each new day brings a constant barrage of positive and negative emotions.

Last week we started shots again, and on Friday I got to take my last high powered birth control pill.  I was on it for 4 weeks, and it once again made me feel like a crazy person.  If this round doesn't work, I am going to have to have someone force feed the pill to me every day to do it again.  Some days were absolutely miserable, and I gained a good 5 lbs. thanks to those special hormones.  Thankfully the pills are in the past, and we are moving forward.  I remember the nurse saying people complain the most about the pills in the IVF cycle, and I would totally agree with this, although the egg retrieval was pretty terrible too.  At least the retrieval didn't last 4 weeks.  I keep reminding myself that it is a means to an end, and it gets us one step closer to our next miracle.

I promised I would blog throughout this process no matter how hard it was, but it has become more and more difficult to find inspiration to write.  Honestly, I am hopeful, heartbroken, excited, and tired all at the same time.  We don't have the same spring in our step that we had last cycle.  I've been told by other IVF survivors that this is the hardest part of the process, picking yourself up and trying again.  I found this Thomas Edison quote that rings very true right now, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."  This came from the guy who invented the incandescent light bulb.  Who knows how he was feeling when he decided to try one more time.  So that's what we will do.  We will try with our remaining blastocysts who are hanging out in the lab frozen in a couple of weeks and see what happens.  In the meantime we will pray and hope this is the one and ask you to please join us in our prayers and believing for breakthrough.

My mom sent me a card for my birthday that was absolutely perfect.  It says, "I know this hasn't been an easy year for you.  That's why this birthday, I hope you close your eyes and make a wish from your heart.  Don't be afraid to dream bigger and hope higher than you ever have before."  When our hearts are broken we have the choice to retreat and never risk or put ourselves out there again.  My heart literally hurts putting ourselves out there and doing this again, but I can't live any other way.  Our dream for a multiple kid family burns so strong in our hearts.  I can't help but dream bigger and hope higher this time.

4 Years Ago

Around this time of year I always get nostalgic because of something God did 4 years ago.  On Saturday, June 21st, I will turn 32 years old.  My birthday has taken on new meaning because of the coolest miracle I received 4 years ago on my 28th birthday.  This miracle testimony has deepened our faith and relationship with God.

Four years ago we were living in South Carolina, and I was about to have laparoscopic surgery for what the doctor suspected was endometriosis.  We had been praying like crazy for a baby for 10 months.  It felt like an eternity, which is funny because that's nothing as we are approaching our two year mark this time around.  We were weeks away from moving and being apart for nine weeks.  I remember my amazing women's small group and how they prayed week after week for us to get pregnant before we left Charleston.  It didn't look like that was going to happen since I was scheduled for surgery the first week of July.

I remember the day so clearly.  Michael was in prototype and doing "lovely" shift work.  Since he was on night shift he was sleeping during the day when I decided, on a whim, to take a pregnancy test.  I was stressed that my cycle was off because I wanted to be ready for surgery.  I took the test for the peace of mind to know my period was coming.  As I waited for the results I think I was making myself a birthday cake.  I couldn't believe it when I saw the two lines.  How could it be?  I thought I needed surgery for this to happen?  I immediately woke Michael up, and we just looked at it in disbelief.  We bought two more tests just to be safe.

This was us all smiles when we went out to dinner to celebrate the good news and my 28th birthday.  Yes I spent a lot of time in the sun so my hair was almost white.

A few days later I walked into what was supposed to be my pre-op appointment and shared with the doctor our news.  We were thrilled, and after an ultrasound confirmed a strong heart beat and wiggly baby, we were relieved.  A few days later Michael and I went separate ways and weren't reunited until around 20 weeks when we found out we were expecting a girl.  

So as you can imagine, my birthday has become a day of rejoicing the news of our first miracle.  It's pretty hard to top that kind of present!

That February she came into our lives without warning, 3 weeks early, and turned our lives upside down.  She knows how to push ALL of our buttons but brings us so much laughter and delight at the same time.  She loves to tell us that she's a miracle and prays every night for Jesus to give her a baby brother.  When our first round of IVF didn't go as we expected, in her own little way she grieved with us.  We long for the day she becomes the big sister she keeps asking to be.  It's not uncommon for her to see other kids with siblings and announce to the people around her, "I'm going to have a baby brother.  The baby is in mommy's belly."  I think my face turns bright red as all eyes turn to me with that "Are you pregnant" look.  She doesn't let anyone push her around but at the same time is such a sweetheart.  I could go on and on about how amazing our Anna Kathleen is.  Every day she is our walking and talking miracle and proof that God can do anything. 

I've wrestled with so many questions through this season of waiting and have come to the conclusion that I can't afford not to believe for the best.  My great grandfather once said "Never give up to the idea that it won't work out.  You've got to go forward.  The momentum of your faith will carry you through."  Most of the questions I've wrestled with can't be answered, but I know I can't give up to the idea that it won't work out.  I believe that one day it will be our turn again just like it was when we got pregnant with Anna.  One of my wise friends once said "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, it's when."  So we will keep "waiting our turn," and one of these days our number will be called again.  Let's just hope it's sooner than later before these birth control pills take my last thread of sanity.  

I gave myself a pep talk today after feeling down about the immense amount of heartbreak we have gone through over the past couple of years.  I picked up a book I read a few months ago, Supernatural Childbirth, and found this quote, "There comes a time when you have to stand on the Word of God and say, 'No I reject the defeat and the disappointments of the past.  I'm not receiving that anymore.  I'm going to stand on God's Word and have God's best.'"  So here we are, back at this point where we are standing on God's word expecting His best.  Not because we deserve it, but because He has proven Himself a good Father to Michael and me time and time again.  

Hope and Grief

"Thank you, Hannah, for being an example of grace in the midst of grief." - Hannah's Hope

"Knowing God is in control doesn't always keep pain at bay.  As you find yourself in uncomfortable places or conversations, ask God to give you grace to survive the moment, along with an understanding heart to hear the intended meaning behind your friend's words." Jennifer Saake

I have been eyeing this book for a while, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought it.  So far it provides an excellent account of the Biblical story of Hannah and what she endured to get her Samuel.  If you or a loved one is struggling with infertility I would highly recommend this book.  I am reading it quickly and I will probably have to read it again for it all to sink in.  Jennifer Saake hits the nail on the head on so many levels with this book.  The grief and ache from the longing for anything is almost unbearable at times, but what keeps us moving forward is hope.

My desire is to be like Hannah who was an example of grace in the midst of grief.  Some days (especially with the overload of fertility hormones) I'm not very graceful but I will always get up and try again.  People are counting on us continuing the fight to believe for breakthroughs in our lives!

The New Plan

On Friday morning, we had our post IVF follow up appointment.  Apparently the whole office was just as shocked as we were that the first round didn't result in a pregnancy.  Our doctor made the comment that we were the last people he thought wouldn't get pregnant.  I think we left them scratching their heads a bit and proving once again that the IVF process, no matter how perfect it goes, is not 100% full proof.

As the nurse took my stats and asked me what medication I had leftover, I started saying lots of if type statements.  She stopped and looked at me saying "This will work," several times.  Apparently they don't say this kind of thing to everyone.

Then we met with the doctor and talked about how beautifully our first round of IVF went (up until the negative pregnancy test part).  He was pleased with all of our numbers and how great our embryos looked.  He expressed his shock that it didn't work.  Apparently the embryos either stopped growing, didn't hatch, or didn't attach.  IVF takes care of the first 7 steps of pregnancy, but it's up to your body to do the last 3 steps.  There's no way for them to know how far the embryos did or didn't make it.  For some reason it was comforting to know they were as shocked as we were about everything even though there was no explainable reason why it didn't work.

After this part we formulated a new game plan for the next round.  Thankfully they were able to freeze 2 healthy blastocysts from our first egg retrieval, so this time around we can do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).  This is a way less intense form of IVF because there is no ovary stimulation which means there is no egg retrieval.  We were very relieved to hear that this would be an option for us because of how hard the egg retrieval was on my body.  I will still have to do shots but they're basically to make sure the lining is thick enough to support a pregnancy.  We will show up on the preselected day in July and do the transfer.  This time around I won't still be healing from the retrieval.

We are hoping things will be different this time around and these babies will be the ones.  On our first cycle they put back 3 day embryos and let the rest continue to grow in the lab.  On day 5 we had two strong blastocysts so they froze those for us.  Hopefully we will see a difference with 5 day ones.  Before we left the doctor reminded us that we've gotten pregnant on our own before so it will happen again.

I'm Still Here

I needed a few days to decompress from blog writing.  It's almost been two weeks since we found out that our first round of IVF didn't work.  I definitely have my ups and downs, but for the most part we are trying to look forward to our next round.  Sometimes it stings a little when I see pregnant women or families with multiple children.  Of course I am nothing but happy for these people, but things like this set off the sadness that can creep up.  I wasn't prepared at church on Sunday when they did baby dedications.  I lost it and we had to politely excuse ourselves.  My friend reminded me that one day we will be dedicating our baby with his/her own miraculous story.  It's always good to remember that things won't always be like this.

I am back on birth control pills to prepare for the next cycle in July.  We meet with our doctor in two days to discuss plans for the next round.  Anna still wakes up almost every morning asking when she's going to get her baby brother.  I tried to explain that we don't know when that will happen and in all her 3 year old wisdom she replied, "The waiting, it's so hard."  I agree Anna, the waiting is so hard.

Life is pretty much back to "normal" around our house.  As normal as it can be when you're going through this process.  I will continue to blog but I probably won't post the links to Facebook anymore.  Please check back from time to time if you're interested.  I will try to create a fancy button that lets you subscribe to the blog for updates.

There's a song that we've been singing a lot around our house.  Even Anna loves to belt out the chorus.  I thought I would include the lyrics in this post.  It's "It is Well" from the new Bethel CD.  At the end of the day I take comfort because it is well with my soul.

Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Bridge
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name 

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

An IVF Marathon

This weekend did not go at all like we thought it would.  When the nurse told me at my Friday blood draw that I could come back in two hours for the results, we said "Sure why not?  We will just find out the good news early and have all weekend to celebrate."  We had no idea how wrong we would be!

Two hours later we sat in the lab waiting room for our results.  We were shocked when we saw the sheet of paper that said I was within the normal range of a non-pregnant female.  Everything went so perfectly, but unfortunately, sometime last week we lost our two beautiful embryos.  For 28 days we did over 40 shots along with other medications, a painful egg retrieval, and transfer and had nothing to show for it.

At our original doctor's appointment in February he told us the statistics and tried to prepare us for the possibility of it not happening on the first round, but we thought we would beat the odds and get pregnant the first try.  Thankfully we opted for the IVF package that included more than one cycle as an insurance policy.  We had no control over what would happen but still hoped for the best for our first cycle.

As you can imagine, we were shocked and heartbroken that it didn't work.  I would be lying if I said I didn't go home and cry for the rest of the day.  Now that it has been a few days and we have been able to process things we are doing better.  I have talked to several friends who went through multiple rounds of IVF to get their babies, and they have encouraged us to keep trying.  So many things have to line up perfectly for this to happen.  It is so refreshing to be able to talk to people who have been through this.  They understand the process and the ups and downs that come with it.  Those just weren't the right embryos for us even though they looked perfect.  I know some pretty amazing IVF kids who wouldn't be here if their parents gave up after their first round failure.  My IVF friends are some of the most resilient women I've ever met!

We have a plan moving forward.  This week we will have our failure follow up appointment with my doctor and talk about the next cycle.  We have two frozen embryos at the lab waiting for their chance at becoming babies.  The week of July 14th is when we will do our second transfer as long as everything looks okay.  All we can do now is hope for the best for our 2nd cycle.  We will never know if we don't try!

It turns out that the IVF process is more of a marathon than a sprint.  We will go into our next cycle remembering that.

We have had such great support from friends and family through this process.  So many have asked what they can do for us as we go through this process.  I thought about it after a friend encouraged me to be honest about what we need right now.  What would be amazing is if you could stand with us in believing for our miracles.  To speak faith and encouragement into our situation as we hold on to the promises God has made us and fight for our future children.  I know one day we will all get to rejoice together over this victory.

I found this postcard that I know my IVF friends who have gone through multiple rounds will appreciate.  It's a little cynical because there are the lucky few who get pregnant on their first try, but it somehow made me feel like less of a failure today.

China Doll

Things have been very different since our big May 15th transfer day.  Life has really slowed down because it had to.  I've basically turned into a china doll.  After Thursday, I was on semi bed rest for 3-4 days hoping and praying for our little ones to hatch, attach, and grow.  I took lots of naps and basically lived with the heating pad from soreness.  Most of the soreness is from the nightly progesterone shots, but I think I noticed today that I'm not as sore as I was last week at this time.  Maybe my body is actually getting used to the deep muscle shots.  I didn't know that was possible.  I counted last night, and so far in this process, my husband has given me 35 shots.  He is the best shot giver ever though!

I am used to a very active lifestyle, and I have had to pretty much discontinue it for now.  I am missing my hard core gym workouts and my afternoon BBL DVD workouts with my friend Bridget.  Now I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  If I find out I'm pregnant, that number jumps all the way to 20 lbs.  I can walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at the pace of 2.5.  I've been instructed not to break a sweat or do anything that would make my uterus contract.  Whoops I just sneezed, and I am pretty sure everything contracted!  I know it will all be worth it though!

The emotional ups and downs of the IVF cycle have come into full force since the transfer.  I am trying to do things to keep my mind off of it, but it seems like the only time I don't think about it at all is when I'm sleeping.  I got so used to disappointment every month that it is very hard not to project that onto this month.  Sometimes I need to be reminded that this month is different.  I'm learning that it takes even more courage to wait for answers and pregnancy test results.  I knew I had to be brave to go through all of the surgeries and tests, but I forgot that I have to be brave while we wait too.  It takes faith to believe for the best.

My IVF nurse called today to let us know that they were able to freeze 2 embryos.  I asked her when we could use them if this cycle didn't work.  She chided me and said "You won't need to use them because you're going to be pregnant."  She was reminding me that things are different now.  Everything is different now.  So please pray for us as we wait for 6 more days to find out what is going on.  Until then we will be holding on to hope with the tightest grip we can!