Over the past fews weeks we have received nothing but bad news. Our pregnancy seemed to be doomed from the very start. We did continue to hope despite the weird numbers that we would be that one pregnancy that made it. Our faith was tested multiple times as we rode the IVF roller coaster that seemed to be very cruel to us.
Today I had some sharp pains, and because of the risks the doctor sent me right to the ER to be evaluated. We spent 4 hours waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Apparently the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy sends doctors into an absolute panic. It is a very scary, life threatening miscarriage to go through, and it is really important to catch it before it does any damage.
They wheeled me away to the radiology department where they did a very thorough, extremely uncomfortable ultrasound. The tech was very by the book and didn't tell us anything. We knew it wasn't good news when she kept listening for a heart beat and found nothing. After all the waiting it was time to get Anna from school. Michael waited until the last second and then bolted to pick her up. Of course the doctor came while he was gone to give us the news. Thankfully I had some amazing friends to talk to as I received the news.
He said it was an ectopic like everyone suspected. They searched and searched for a baby and found nothing. No sign of a baby anywhere near the uterus. This makes them assume it's ectopic and somewhere wrong like the tubes. We left knowing the final outcome of this crazy roller coaster ride.
Tomorrow I will have a shot to end whatever cells exist in the tubes. Like I said, we are extremely lucky they discovered this early enough to not have to do an emergency surgery to remove the tubes completely. We are sad, mad, crushed, and also relieved that we FINALLY have an answer. I will continue to get blood work done until my level has gone back down to 0.
We will be taking a few months off to recover from this heart break and will do another round of IVF in the fall. I have decided to also take a break from blogging. It has become too painful to write through the sadness. I will never understand why this has been such a struggle for us and for others it seems so easy, but that's not for me to know. I will blog again when we have actual GOOD news to share.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
The Saga Continues
I have gone back and forth over whether I should share this part of our story for anyone in cyber space to read. Then I remembered that when we started this journey I was so frustrated with the silence that went along with infertility. I wanted to break that silence and share with others so that people wouldn't be ashamed by what they are going through. To do that I realized that I have to be vulnerable about sharing what's going on even though our natural tendency is to keep it a secret. Infertility and miscarriages are SO common among women, and they are incredibly terrible, painful things to go through. So if I haven't said it before, welcome to the ups and downs of trying to expand our family through In Vitro.
The last time I blogged I asked for prayers that a miracle would take place in my body and we would not lose the pregnancy that we longed to keep. My beta number did not look good, and my next one wasn't much better even though it went up. At that point we thought we lost the pregnancy completely until a few days later when my beta doubled like it was supposed to.
There is no way to know exactly what happened, but most likely I was pregnant with twins. It has been my life long dream to have twins. Well soon after both implanted, one of the twins did not make it. This made my beta drop from 23 to 22 because it was a combined number. Obviously we don't know what number each twin comprised, but the drop gave the appearance of a total loss. A couple of days later the bleeding began, and I miscarried the twin. Despite the intense bleeding and cramping, my number continued to double showing that the other twin continued to grow. We had no idea if this other baby would be able to survive with the conditions being like they were. I am sad we lost the twin, but I don't want to give up on our other one!
After a couple of doubling my number continued to increase but not quite double every 48 hours. The doctor likes an 80% increase every 48 hours, and I've been at around 67%. Basically it is doubling every 60 hours. From what we've heard and what our doctor has said, this is not a good thing MOST of the time. They think it could be ectopic or a blight ovum (sac but no baby), or that I just have weird numbers and there's a perfectly normal baby growing in there. They did tell us that sometimes it goes on to be a healthy pregnancy. Could we be in that small minority? I certainly hope so, but at this point only time will tell.
We have spent the last 15 days asking the question, "What the heck is going on?" Things are not progressing like a "normal" pregnancy, but also in a "normal" pregnancy your HCG levels aren't tested every 48 hours starting when you're 3 weeks pregnant. I didn't even know with Anna that I was pregnant until at least 5 weeks along. It was so simple. I took a pregnancy test, did one blood test, and a couple weeks later we saw her for the first time on a sonogram. There was no stress or percentages to meet. This is NOT the case with IVF. They monitor any and everything. Hence why I've had 8 blood tests in two weeks.
So here we are again at a crossroads believing that I am an exception to the 80% increase rule. We have shed so many tears over the loss of one baby and the stress of what the unknown has brought with this new challenge. We have prayed over and over for God to end this pregnancy naturally if it's not healthy but to grow it if it is. A miscarriage is terrible, but one that drags on for over two weeks is even worse. I am continuing to take my medicines including a nightly progesterone shot in hopes of supporting the baby trying its hardest to grow for us. Fight little baby fight!
My levels are finally getting high enough to be able to do an ultrasound. So I will have another blood draw on Tuesday, and if the numbers are high enough, then they will do an ultrasound either Wed. or Friday. Hopefully that one will rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which they are very worried about) and give us more clarity about what is actually going on in there.
We still haven't been able to celebrate our first positive pregnancy test in two years or feel any sense of relief. Technically, I am pregnant according to my blood tests, but it doesn't feel like it at all. We are staying hopeful despite the circumstances, but it has been a very challenging time.
Basically to sum it all up, the saga continues.
The last time I blogged I asked for prayers that a miracle would take place in my body and we would not lose the pregnancy that we longed to keep. My beta number did not look good, and my next one wasn't much better even though it went up. At that point we thought we lost the pregnancy completely until a few days later when my beta doubled like it was supposed to.
There is no way to know exactly what happened, but most likely I was pregnant with twins. It has been my life long dream to have twins. Well soon after both implanted, one of the twins did not make it. This made my beta drop from 23 to 22 because it was a combined number. Obviously we don't know what number each twin comprised, but the drop gave the appearance of a total loss. A couple of days later the bleeding began, and I miscarried the twin. Despite the intense bleeding and cramping, my number continued to double showing that the other twin continued to grow. We had no idea if this other baby would be able to survive with the conditions being like they were. I am sad we lost the twin, but I don't want to give up on our other one!
After a couple of doubling my number continued to increase but not quite double every 48 hours. The doctor likes an 80% increase every 48 hours, and I've been at around 67%. Basically it is doubling every 60 hours. From what we've heard and what our doctor has said, this is not a good thing MOST of the time. They think it could be ectopic or a blight ovum (sac but no baby), or that I just have weird numbers and there's a perfectly normal baby growing in there. They did tell us that sometimes it goes on to be a healthy pregnancy. Could we be in that small minority? I certainly hope so, but at this point only time will tell.
We have spent the last 15 days asking the question, "What the heck is going on?" Things are not progressing like a "normal" pregnancy, but also in a "normal" pregnancy your HCG levels aren't tested every 48 hours starting when you're 3 weeks pregnant. I didn't even know with Anna that I was pregnant until at least 5 weeks along. It was so simple. I took a pregnancy test, did one blood test, and a couple weeks later we saw her for the first time on a sonogram. There was no stress or percentages to meet. This is NOT the case with IVF. They monitor any and everything. Hence why I've had 8 blood tests in two weeks.
So here we are again at a crossroads believing that I am an exception to the 80% increase rule. We have shed so many tears over the loss of one baby and the stress of what the unknown has brought with this new challenge. We have prayed over and over for God to end this pregnancy naturally if it's not healthy but to grow it if it is. A miscarriage is terrible, but one that drags on for over two weeks is even worse. I am continuing to take my medicines including a nightly progesterone shot in hopes of supporting the baby trying its hardest to grow for us. Fight little baby fight!
My levels are finally getting high enough to be able to do an ultrasound. So I will have another blood draw on Tuesday, and if the numbers are high enough, then they will do an ultrasound either Wed. or Friday. Hopefully that one will rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which they are very worried about) and give us more clarity about what is actually going on in there.
We still haven't been able to celebrate our first positive pregnancy test in two years or feel any sense of relief. Technically, I am pregnant according to my blood tests, but it doesn't feel like it at all. We are staying hopeful despite the circumstances, but it has been a very challenging time.
Basically to sum it all up, the saga continues.
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