Last night I ordered prenatal vitamins. This may not seem like a big step to most, but it was for me. When we started the journey for a second child almost two years ago, my doctor gave me prenatal vitamins to take to prepare myself for getting pregnant. I took them with lots of excitement hoping for another miracle. After many months of trying and going through disappointment, I decided to stop taking them. To me it was a waste of money and too emotionally painful to continue to take these pills when there was no baby in sight. After saving them for when I would need them, I had to throw them away a few months ago after they reached their expiration date.
The pills along with the baby gear seemed to taunt me daily. Every time I passed the medicine cabinet or went into the garage they were all reminders of what hadn't happened. At the time it was unexplained secondary infertility, and "unexplained" is really code for painful frustration. When we moved to California and into a smaller garage we had a rummage sale and sold pretty much all of our baby gear. I needed a fresh start and couldn't look at it any more. Truthfully I thought if maybe I sold it all then I would get pregnant. You wouldn't believe the thoughts you have when struggling with infertility. I know thousands of women can relate to this.
Then in November I had surgery, and unexplained secondary infertility turned into a snowball of infertility diagnoses stemming from previous pregnancy hormones, scar tissue from my c-section, and a few other problems. There was a silver lining though. The most important parts, the ovaries and uterus, were preserved making it possible to be a good candidate for IVF.
It's interesting to see what has happened over the past 6 months. The baby gear and pregnancy announcements don't sting as much any more. Maybe it helps that things aren't unexplained anymore. Yesterday my medicine arrived, and we stared at what the next few weeks or months would look like. I still can't believe we are doing this, but don't get me wrong, we are SO thankful to have the option.
So to those who might still be experiencing the sting that comes from staring down the pregnancy announcements and baby gear, I can say from my experience that if you don't let this experience make you bitter, the sting will hopefully subside. Tuesday I will start the prenatal vitamins again, and I will do so with a hopeful heart.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Practice Makes "Perfect"
Today in our In Vitro journey we did some practicing. I would like to say that practice makes perfect, but when it comes to producing embryos, we have no control over what will happen. Sounds promising right?
First we got the low down on the shots. We learned all about the needles, syringes, powders, and how to dispose of the biohazard waste that comes from them. We decided Michael would give me all of the shots. I realized this as I got queasy just looking at the needles. I remembered that I'm okay with them as long as I don't look at them. He got lots of practice mixing the powders and injecting the shots into a squishy cube. I'm glad the engineer of the family will be administering the drugs. Attention to detail comes in handy here. The information was a little overwhelming, but I kept telling myself this is a means to an end. I had a friend recently remind me to take things one day at a time. I took that and changed it to remind myself to take things one shot at a time. That helped relieve some of the mental pressure because it is 95% mental. By the way, I made that statistic up. It doesn't seem like anyone would be able to actually assign a mental percentage to something like this.
The second part of this week's visit to the IVF clinic was a Mock Embryo Transfer. Sounds fancy right? It makes me think back to high school when we did mock trials. It was nothing like a mock trial by the way. The nice thing about the clinic is that it's pretty glam. I guess that's what happens when you don't really have to rely on insurances paying you a premium because unless you hit the insurance jackpot, you're paying mostly out of pocket for these services. Everything is decorated nicely, and there are flat screen TV's everywhere. I'm pretty sure I saw Michael eating fancy truffle candy while he enjoyed their finest K-Cup coffee. While I waited, and even during the procedure, I listened to Katie Couric explain the importance of family dinners.
Anyway, back to the procedure. It was a quick but uncomfortable one to measure my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos to have a fighting chance. This was his practice for when he puts back the embryos in a few weeks.
So as of today everything seems to be in order. My medicine arrives on Friday, and I get to discontinue the use of birth control pills this weekend. On Tuesday I will go in for my first blood draw and ultrasound and will begin the stimulation shots that evening. We don't have any guarantees, but we know no matter what everything will be okay. I have no idea what the phrase "everything will be okay" will look like, but we've made our peace with that. I will try to keep you posted along the way. It helps to be able to write and share what's going on.
First we got the low down on the shots. We learned all about the needles, syringes, powders, and how to dispose of the biohazard waste that comes from them. We decided Michael would give me all of the shots. I realized this as I got queasy just looking at the needles. I remembered that I'm okay with them as long as I don't look at them. He got lots of practice mixing the powders and injecting the shots into a squishy cube. I'm glad the engineer of the family will be administering the drugs. Attention to detail comes in handy here. The information was a little overwhelming, but I kept telling myself this is a means to an end. I had a friend recently remind me to take things one day at a time. I took that and changed it to remind myself to take things one shot at a time. That helped relieve some of the mental pressure because it is 95% mental. By the way, I made that statistic up. It doesn't seem like anyone would be able to actually assign a mental percentage to something like this.
The second part of this week's visit to the IVF clinic was a Mock Embryo Transfer. Sounds fancy right? It makes me think back to high school when we did mock trials. It was nothing like a mock trial by the way. The nice thing about the clinic is that it's pretty glam. I guess that's what happens when you don't really have to rely on insurances paying you a premium because unless you hit the insurance jackpot, you're paying mostly out of pocket for these services. Everything is decorated nicely, and there are flat screen TV's everywhere. I'm pretty sure I saw Michael eating fancy truffle candy while he enjoyed their finest K-Cup coffee. While I waited, and even during the procedure, I listened to Katie Couric explain the importance of family dinners.
Anyway, back to the procedure. It was a quick but uncomfortable one to measure my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos to have a fighting chance. This was his practice for when he puts back the embryos in a few weeks.
So as of today everything seems to be in order. My medicine arrives on Friday, and I get to discontinue the use of birth control pills this weekend. On Tuesday I will go in for my first blood draw and ultrasound and will begin the stimulation shots that evening. We don't have any guarantees, but we know no matter what everything will be okay. I have no idea what the phrase "everything will be okay" will look like, but we've made our peace with that. I will try to keep you posted along the way. It helps to be able to write and share what's going on.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The Spreadsheet
Today I received my IVF schedule of medicines spreadsheet. Basically every day is mapped out for me medicine wise in these fun colors with names of drugs I have a hard time pronouncing. It's always comforting putting things into your body that you can't pronounce, right? Now I wait for the online pharmacy to call me back about acquiring these needles, syringes, and whatever else is required for this science experiment.
It wasn't until I got the schedule that it really hit me that we are going to do this. All this time we were committed to the May IVF cycle, but in the back of my mind I thought we would get pregnant and be that rare couple that conceived before they started the process. It didn't happen that way, and I'm okay with it. So much of life doesn't happen the way we planned it to. The important thing is being flexible with the process.
So, in 12 days I will give myself my first shot and won't look back. Then it will basically be lather, rinse, repeat over and over again. We have no idea what is going to happen, but we are hoping for the best!
It wasn't until I got the schedule that it really hit me that we are going to do this. All this time we were committed to the May IVF cycle, but in the back of my mind I thought we would get pregnant and be that rare couple that conceived before they started the process. It didn't happen that way, and I'm okay with it. So much of life doesn't happen the way we planned it to. The important thing is being flexible with the process.
So, in 12 days I will give myself my first shot and won't look back. Then it will basically be lather, rinse, repeat over and over again. We have no idea what is going to happen, but we are hoping for the best!
Saturday, April 12, 2014
How to Slow Down Time
Do you feel like the months are constantly flying by? I have a solution to slow time down. Get everything in order and sign up to do In Vitro at the end of the month. April is going by SO slowly for us!
We still have 17 days before we begin the hormone treatments. Days seem like years to me. All I am doing right now in the IVF process is finishing up my second week of birth control pills.
In all seriousness, we are actually enjoying the calm before the storm. The end of the month brings lots of exciting events. We will celebrate another Easter together without a looming deployment or crazy work schedule, enjoy Anna's art show at school, and attend the submarine birthday ball. Then 3 days later we will begin a new journey full of unknown possibilities.
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