Breaking the Silence With Good News

Many of you know that at the very end of October we embarked on our 3rd round of IVF.  After the heart break of our ectopic pregnancy in August we took a break and traveled to Hawaii, just the two of us, to heal and re-group.  It was such a refreshing time which got us ready for a fresh round of IVF in November.  We met with our doctor beforehand, and he assured us that ectopics were flukes and he was very confident that we would get pregnant.

Since it was a fresh round, we started from scratch.  It definitely didn't go exactly how we planned, but that rarely happens in life.  We were shocked on the day of the retrieval when our doctor told us that there were only 5 mature eggs (apparently 32 is not the new 22 when it comes to producing massive amounts of eggs to be fertilized).  We were hoping for a lot more so we would have countless tries at frozen rounds.  My acupuncturist was so encouraging through the whole round reminding me that we were looking for quality embryos not quantity.  Out of the 5, we ended up with 3 strong embryos.  We were also set on using 5 day embryos, not 3 day ones because it seemed like my body responded the best to the 5 day ones.  Thankfully our doctor felt the same way and let our embryos grow for 5 days despite how few we had.

Then, on November 13th, we transferred a 3AB and a 4AA (these only make sense if you speak IVF) embryo.  We had a sense that this had to be the one and that one of these babies was going to stick.  It was pretty much our last shot.  See picture below of our two "beautiful" embryos.

I was an absolute mess during the wait after the transfer.  I was still recovering from the egg retrieval and trying to stay relaxed.  When we went in for our first blood test I was convinced it didn't work.  We got our results at the lab and it said I was pregnant.  The lab techs who were there knew me from our many months of blood draws, and they were literally jumping up and down with excitement.  I still felt a little nervous because with the ectopic, we found out on the second blood test something was wrong.  

So we waited another 48 hours for the next test and the number more than tripled.  Then it tripled again, and more than doubled after that.  I think our nurse immediately thought twins but for some reason I felt like it was one strong baby.  Our almost 4 year old thought differently.  From the start she has claimed that it is two babies.  We tried to prepare her that it could only be one, but she wouldn't accept it! 

Then we waited another two weeks for our first ultrasound on December 10th when I was 6.5 weeks pregnant.  What do you think showed up??  Two sacs of course.  I immediately asked if there were babies in those sacs, and the doctor showed us two beautiful babies in two sacs.  We held back tears as we saw them for the first time and heard their strong heart beats.  Everything looked great.  The twins were growing right on target and had strong heart beats at 124 and 125 bpm.  You can hardly see them in this picture because how tiny they were and Twin A was nuzzled close to the lining.

Sorry for the length of this post, but there's been a lot to cover!  On December 23rd we had our second and final ultrasound at the fertility clinic when I was 8.5 weeks along.  That's when we saw two thriving babies with strong heart beats.  We even got to see them wiggling around, and they were very active.  Twin B is the one that is harder to see and was definitely the more active one.  After this appointment we were officially released to a regular OB.  Our doctor was so pleased with how they looked.  We are very grateful for all they did for us to help our dreams come true. 

There is never a "safe" time to announce a twin pregnancy, so I wanted to blog to share our story but also to ask for more prayers for these two babies and this pregnancy.  We still feel like we have a long road to travel to hold these babies in our arms, but we are taking it one day at a time and celebrating every milestone along the way.  Today I am 9.5 weeks along and working through lots of typical pregnancy symptoms.  Every day I am in awe of what God has done in giving us these amazing Christmas presents.  

We are so grateful and excited about what is ahead.  Please cover these babies in prayer as they continue to grow.  I will head back to the doctor January 7th and probably every couple of weeks after since it is twins.  We are so thankful for your support and prayers! 

A Wish for Another Chance

My new favorite app is Timehop.  Most of you know I am a picture freak, and I constantly over share with the rest of social media, so my Timehop every day is full of old pictures from the past few years.  I love looking at it in the morning and remembering those times.  The best ones are pictures of Anna from 2 and 3 years ago.  I hardly remember what it was like when she was so small.  This, among many other reasons, is why I'm asking for one more chance.

To spare you from reading through the many blog posts I've written, I'll sum it up.  We have been experiencing secondary infertility for two years mostly because of my body reacting poorly to my emergency c-section and wrapping the important parts of my reproductive system up in nasty scar tissue.  I am coming up on my one year anniversary of the laparoscopic surgery that brought the news that would turn our world upside down.  Our doctor informed us that the only way to expand our family would be through IVF.  The silver lining of the c-section drama is that we have a beautiful little 3.5 year old girl for whom we will be forever grateful as she blesses our life every single day.

We switched over to the infertility world about 6 months ago and have undergone two rounds of IVF (one fresh round and one frozen).  Throughout this time we have felt so thankful for what we have but still yearn for one more child or children to complete our family.  So all 3 of us have a huge wish.  We wish to be able to do this all again, to welcome another baby to our family.  It's hard not to want another one when I look at my sweet girl and her pictures from baby days.

So God please give us one more chance.  I promise we will love and welcome another Cribbs baby into the lonely crib that has been laying dormant in our garage for a while now.  We trust in your timing and hope for good news soon.  I mean how could you not want another one after seeing this picture?  Yes I am extremely biased!

The Journey Back to Zero

Last week I traveled home to celebrate the life of my amazing, 98 year old grandmother who passed away at the end of August. At her memorial service I talked with several of you who have followed my blog.  Not only did you have amazing things to say about my grandmother but you took the time to acknowledge the loss we have been through and that was really touching.  It made me thankful for the community I have, even if right now it is an online one.  Thank you for your encouragement to keep going and fighting for this dream we have in our hearts for another child.  Thank you for reminding me that we are not alone in this struggle.

We are now almost 4 weeks post miscarriage.  I have had some time to process the loss and get some clarity on things.  I will spare you the details of course because they aren't pleasant.  Since I did not miscarry naturally it was a little tricky.  My doctor gave me the MTX shot to end the ectopic pregnancy, and several days after the shot my number went up instead of down.  I was so nervous about getting another dose because it made me very sick.  Thankfully a few days later it began to drop.  It was slow going at first and very painful physically and emotionally.  Finally last week my number dramatically dropped back down to an 8 which is almost normal.  We were so relieved to hear the news that my body is pretty much back to 0 which is the goal after a miscarriage.  Plus no more blood draws for now!  I think I had 16 of them in one month.

So, what's next?  Right now we are just relaxing and enjoying a time of no medicine, doctors appointments, or needles.  We are even going to take a trip to Hawaii for some R&R after 6 months of ups and downs.  In the late fall we will start thinking about trying another round.  From what we have read, ectopics are kind of a fluke thing that can happen.  My body wanted to get pregnant, but unfortunately our embryos didn't implant in the right place.  Hopefully with some new things we are trying it will cut down on our chances of a repeat ectopic.

Thank you for your prayers especially ones for clarity.  We started this process knowing we would give it our best shot.  We contemplated all the different options to add to our family and had a peace about using our time and resources to go forward with IVF.  A lot of people have asked why we don't go down other roads, and that is our reason.  So we have one more shot at a fresh round of In Vitro, and we will give it our all.

The night my grandmother died, her family and caregivers recited Psalm 23 to her as she slipped away and joined the great cloud of witnesses.  This Psalm has taken on new meaning knowing how it comforted her.  We may "walk through the darkest valley," but we don't have to be afraid of what's next.  I know if she were here right now, she would hold my hand and gracefully tell me in her comforting way, "This too shall pass."

Bad News Bears

Over the past fews weeks we have received nothing but bad news.  Our pregnancy seemed to be doomed from the very start.  We did continue to hope despite the weird numbers that we would be that one pregnancy that made it.  Our faith was tested multiple times as we rode the IVF roller coaster that seemed to be very cruel to us.

Today I had some sharp pains, and because of the risks the doctor sent me right to the ER to be evaluated.  We spent 4 hours waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  Apparently the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy sends doctors into an absolute panic.  It is a very scary, life threatening miscarriage to go through, and it is really important to catch it before it does any damage.

They wheeled me away to the radiology department where they did a very thorough, extremely uncomfortable ultrasound.  The tech was very by the book and didn't tell us anything.  We knew it wasn't good news when she kept listening for a heart beat and found nothing.  After all the waiting it was time to get Anna from school.  Michael waited until the last second and then bolted to pick her up. Of course the doctor came while he was gone to give us the news.  Thankfully I had some amazing friends to talk to as I received the news.

He said it was an ectopic like everyone suspected.  They searched and searched for a baby and found nothing.  No sign of a baby anywhere near the uterus.  This makes them assume it's ectopic and somewhere wrong like the tubes.  We left knowing the final outcome of this crazy roller coaster ride.

Tomorrow I will have a shot to end whatever cells exist in the tubes.  Like I said, we are extremely lucky they discovered this early enough to not have to do an emergency surgery to remove the tubes completely.  We are sad, mad, crushed, and also relieved that we FINALLY have an answer.  I will continue to get blood work done until my level has gone back down to 0.

We will be taking a few months off to recover from this heart break and will do another round of IVF in the fall.  I have decided to also take a break from blogging.  It has become too painful to write through the sadness.  I will never understand why this has been such a struggle for us and for others it seems so easy, but that's not for me to know.  I will blog again when we have actual GOOD news to share.

The Saga Continues

I have gone back and forth over whether I should share this part of our story for anyone in cyber space to read.  Then I remembered that when we started this journey I was so frustrated with the silence that went along with infertility.  I wanted to break that silence and share with others so that people wouldn't be ashamed by what they are going through.  To do that I realized that I have to be vulnerable about sharing what's going on even though our natural tendency is to keep it a secret.  Infertility and miscarriages are SO common among women, and they are incredibly terrible, painful things to go through.  So if I haven't said it before, welcome to the ups and downs of trying to expand our family through In Vitro.

The last time I blogged I asked for prayers that a miracle would take place in my body and we would not lose the pregnancy that we longed to keep.  My beta number did not look good, and my next one wasn't much better even though it went up.  At that point we thought we lost the pregnancy completely until a few days later when my beta doubled like it was supposed to.

There is no way to know exactly what happened, but most likely I was pregnant with twins.  It has been my life long dream to have twins.  Well soon after both implanted, one of the twins did not make it.  This made my beta drop from 23 to 22 because it was a combined number.  Obviously we don't know what number each twin comprised, but the drop gave the appearance of a total loss.  A couple of days later the bleeding began, and I miscarried the twin.  Despite the intense bleeding and cramping, my number continued to double showing that the other twin continued to grow.  We had no idea if this other baby would be able to survive with the conditions being like they were.  I am sad we lost the twin, but I don't want to give up on our other one!

After a couple of doubling my number continued to increase but not quite double every 48 hours.  The doctor likes an 80% increase every 48 hours, and I've been at around 67%.  Basically it is doubling every 60 hours.  From what we've heard and what our doctor has said, this is not a good thing MOST of the time.  They think it could be ectopic or a blight ovum (sac but no baby), or that I just have weird numbers and there's a perfectly normal baby growing in there.  They did tell us that sometimes it goes on to be a healthy pregnancy.  Could we be in that small minority?  I certainly hope so, but at this point only time will tell.

We have spent the last 15 days asking the question, "What the heck is going on?"  Things are not progressing like a "normal" pregnancy, but also in a "normal" pregnancy your HCG levels aren't tested every 48 hours starting when you're 3 weeks pregnant.  I didn't even know with Anna that I was pregnant until at least 5 weeks along.  It was so simple.  I took a pregnancy test, did one blood test, and a couple weeks later we saw her for the first time on a sonogram.  There was no stress or percentages to meet.  This is NOT the case with IVF.  They monitor any and everything.  Hence why I've had 8 blood tests in two weeks.

So here we are again at a crossroads believing that I am an exception to the 80% increase rule.  We have shed so many tears over the loss of one baby and the stress of what the unknown has brought with this new challenge.  We have prayed over and over for God to end this pregnancy naturally if it's not healthy but to grow it if it is.  A miscarriage is terrible, but one that drags on for over two weeks is even worse. I am continuing to take my medicines including a nightly progesterone shot in hopes of supporting the baby trying its hardest to grow for us.  Fight little baby fight!

My levels are finally getting high enough to be able to do an ultrasound.  So I will have another blood draw on Tuesday, and if the numbers are high enough, then they will do an ultrasound either Wed. or Friday.  Hopefully that one will rule out an ectopic pregnancy (which they are very worried about) and give us more clarity about what is actually going on in there.

We still haven't been able to celebrate our first positive pregnancy test in two years or feel any sense of relief.  Technically, I am pregnant according to my blood tests, but it doesn't feel like it at all.  We are staying hopeful despite the circumstances, but it has been a very challenging time.

Basically to sum it all up, the saga continues.

You're Pregnant, But...

I've been a little silent on my blog lately.  It was the only way to emotionally survive the waiting game we've been through.  Here's a quick recap before I tell you our newest roadblock.

Our transfer was almost two weeks ago.  It went almost perfectly.  Not only did both embryos survive the thaw, but they were already beginning to hatch by the time we saw a picture of them.  We were ecstatic at the news and felt so encouraged that our little ones were ready to do their thing.  We nicknamed them the go-getters.  The transfer went well, and I took it easy for a few days.  Then we started the waiting period.  I felt some strange pains early in the week, and we hoped and prayed it would be our embryos implanting.

On Wednesday I went in for my first blood test.  Our doctor doesn't tell us the results of the first one.  Last cycle we went back to the hospital on this day and found out our results.  It was hard to get the negative and still have to continue shots so we decided this time around to wait until the second test when the clinic called us.  We were very tempted to get them early or take an at home pregnancy test, but we resisted.

That brings us to yesterday.  We waited for the clinic to call hoping to hear "Congrats you're pregnant, and your numbers look great."  The nurse finally called and with hesitation in her voice told us that I'm pregnant, but my hcg number dropped in 48 hours instead of doubling like it's supposed to.  For most people this might not seem like a big deal because when you miss your period you take an at home pregnancy test that says positive and you move on.  Maybe you take one blood test but that's it.  With IVF and other infertility issues you have to get one every 48 hours.  Your numbers are supposed to double in that time frame.  My first test was a 23 which indicates that one embryo implanted, and the other didn't make it.  My number on Friday was a 22.  The nurse said that there was either a glitch in my test or it could be a chemical pregnancy which is basically an early miscarriage.

So tomorrow I will go in for another blood test that will determine if we keep going or start all over.  We are feeling pretty desperate for a miracle.  Tomorrow the number absolutely has to double.  Please pray that our numbers more than double and that this baby goes on to grow perfectly for 9 months.  This is just another example of the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  I have longed for almost 2 years to hear the words "You're pregnant."  We felt sideswiped by the "but" part of the you're pregnant, but we are holding on to hope that everything is going to be okay.

Thank you for the response everyone is having to our newest challenge.  I went back and forth on whether I should post this blog, but I wanted to update everyone on what's going on.

Good to Go

I am now good to go for our next IVF transfer next week.  I had my lining check today, and it's nice and thick and ready for an embryo or two to implant.  Wow, I have gotten very technical during this process.  As I sat and watched my insides on the screen for the umpteenth time I whispered silent prayers to God asking Him to put a baby or two in there.  Who knows, maybe the next time I get an ultrasound it will be to look at an actual baby.  I don't even remember what that was like!

So, next week they will thaw out our sweet, strong blastocysts and transfer them into their natural habitat.  As soon as that happens I will be considered pregnant again and will hopefully stay that way for 9 months (power of positive thinking).

I downloaded the Time Hop App, and it keeps sending me pictures of sweet Anna 3 years ago at this time when she was a cute, chubby baby who couldn't even sit up.  If I had known how hard it would be to have another I would've cherished the baby days more.  I am just holding on to hope that we will get another chance.

I'm tired, emotional, and hormonal.  At the moment I'm wearing 3 estrogen patches, taking a steroid, and still doing Lupron shots.  The best part is that not only have I developed an allergic reaction to what's in the shot but also my stomach has gotten so tough that it takes a couple of stabs to get the needles in.  They need to make sharper needles for those who have gone through multiple rounds of IVF.  The good news is that it's almost in the past.  I have one more Lupron shot tonight, and then I start the inter muscular progesterone shots (a.k.a. butt shots) tomorrow night.  So if you see me waddling around for a few days that's why.

I honestly don't know how I feel about going through all of this again.  This is why it's awesome that I am surrounded by positive, encouraging people including my amazing husband.  The fact that he still wants to be around me after all of these ups and downs is a miracle in itself.  He keeps assuring me that this will be the one.  I don't feel confident enough to come out and make that kind of statement, but I'm glad one of us can.

So if you think of us next week please say a little prayer for our "babies" and for our sanity.

Let the Games Begin

Today is the day that our second IVF cycle officially begins!  I am feeling optimistic and hopeful thanks to some encouragement from a friend this morning.  I was feeling a little guilty wanting more children when we have this amazing little 3.5 year old who lights up our life every day.  She reminded me that it's not ungrateful to want more children and to hold on to the promises God's given us.  So if you are reading this, thank you for speaking life into our situation!  Anna truly is our reminder of how big God is, but we have such a strong desire in our hearts for more like her.  We would love it if our family consisted of 3 perfect girls right Michael?  I am testing to see if my husband is reading this :)

I headed to the hospital early this morning to get my first blood draw of the cycle.  Thankfully, for a frozen embryo transfer there are only two of these compared to the 6 or 7 I had with my first cycle.  Then after a trip to my RE for my baseline ultrasound (that literally lasted a minute), I was given the thumbs up to add some more medications to my regimen.  In addition to my Lupron shots, I am now taking aspirin, a steroid, prenatal vitamins, and wearing estrogen patches.  

Next week they will check my lining through another ultrasound to make sure everything is good to go for the transfer.  In the meantime we are just hanging out enjoying some trips and time together as a family.  This round I am trying massage therapy to see if it helps with the process.  Who doesn't love an excuse to get a 90 minute massage once a week?  I have this awesome therapist who is teaching me all about essential oil candles and taking deep breaths.  Although at my massage this week I was walking back to my car and a dog almost jumped through a car window at me.  I'm pretty sure that undid all the relaxation that happened in my session.  

So the games have officially begun for us in this next round.  July will be a month of waiting and hoping just like the many months and years before.  Thanks for the well wishes and prayers!  

Here We Go... Again

Well last week we officially hopped back on the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  To be honest I don't know if we ever got off after our last cycle.  Each new day brings a constant barrage of positive and negative emotions.

Last week we started shots again, and on Friday I got to take my last high powered birth control pill.  I was on it for 4 weeks, and it once again made me feel like a crazy person.  If this round doesn't work, I am going to have to have someone force feed the pill to me every day to do it again.  Some days were absolutely miserable, and I gained a good 5 lbs. thanks to those special hormones.  Thankfully the pills are in the past, and we are moving forward.  I remember the nurse saying people complain the most about the pills in the IVF cycle, and I would totally agree with this, although the egg retrieval was pretty terrible too.  At least the retrieval didn't last 4 weeks.  I keep reminding myself that it is a means to an end, and it gets us one step closer to our next miracle.

I promised I would blog throughout this process no matter how hard it was, but it has become more and more difficult to find inspiration to write.  Honestly, I am hopeful, heartbroken, excited, and tired all at the same time.  We don't have the same spring in our step that we had last cycle.  I've been told by other IVF survivors that this is the hardest part of the process, picking yourself up and trying again.  I found this Thomas Edison quote that rings very true right now, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."  This came from the guy who invented the incandescent light bulb.  Who knows how he was feeling when he decided to try one more time.  So that's what we will do.  We will try with our remaining blastocysts who are hanging out in the lab frozen in a couple of weeks and see what happens.  In the meantime we will pray and hope this is the one and ask you to please join us in our prayers and believing for breakthrough.

My mom sent me a card for my birthday that was absolutely perfect.  It says, "I know this hasn't been an easy year for you.  That's why this birthday, I hope you close your eyes and make a wish from your heart.  Don't be afraid to dream bigger and hope higher than you ever have before."  When our hearts are broken we have the choice to retreat and never risk or put ourselves out there again.  My heart literally hurts putting ourselves out there and doing this again, but I can't live any other way.  Our dream for a multiple kid family burns so strong in our hearts.  I can't help but dream bigger and hope higher this time.

4 Years Ago

Around this time of year I always get nostalgic because of something God did 4 years ago.  On Saturday, June 21st, I will turn 32 years old.  My birthday has taken on new meaning because of the coolest miracle I received 4 years ago on my 28th birthday.  This miracle testimony has deepened our faith and relationship with God.

Four years ago we were living in South Carolina, and I was about to have laparoscopic surgery for what the doctor suspected was endometriosis.  We had been praying like crazy for a baby for 10 months.  It felt like an eternity, which is funny because that's nothing as we are approaching our two year mark this time around.  We were weeks away from moving and being apart for nine weeks.  I remember my amazing women's small group and how they prayed week after week for us to get pregnant before we left Charleston.  It didn't look like that was going to happen since I was scheduled for surgery the first week of July.

I remember the day so clearly.  Michael was in prototype and doing "lovely" shift work.  Since he was on night shift he was sleeping during the day when I decided, on a whim, to take a pregnancy test.  I was stressed that my cycle was off because I wanted to be ready for surgery.  I took the test for the peace of mind to know my period was coming.  As I waited for the results I think I was making myself a birthday cake.  I couldn't believe it when I saw the two lines.  How could it be?  I thought I needed surgery for this to happen?  I immediately woke Michael up, and we just looked at it in disbelief.  We bought two more tests just to be safe.

This was us all smiles when we went out to dinner to celebrate the good news and my 28th birthday.  Yes I spent a lot of time in the sun so my hair was almost white.

A few days later I walked into what was supposed to be my pre-op appointment and shared with the doctor our news.  We were thrilled, and after an ultrasound confirmed a strong heart beat and wiggly baby, we were relieved.  A few days later Michael and I went separate ways and weren't reunited until around 20 weeks when we found out we were expecting a girl.  

So as you can imagine, my birthday has become a day of rejoicing the news of our first miracle.  It's pretty hard to top that kind of present!

That February she came into our lives without warning, 3 weeks early, and turned our lives upside down.  She knows how to push ALL of our buttons but brings us so much laughter and delight at the same time.  She loves to tell us that she's a miracle and prays every night for Jesus to give her a baby brother.  When our first round of IVF didn't go as we expected, in her own little way she grieved with us.  We long for the day she becomes the big sister she keeps asking to be.  It's not uncommon for her to see other kids with siblings and announce to the people around her, "I'm going to have a baby brother.  The baby is in mommy's belly."  I think my face turns bright red as all eyes turn to me with that "Are you pregnant" look.  She doesn't let anyone push her around but at the same time is such a sweetheart.  I could go on and on about how amazing our Anna Kathleen is.  Every day she is our walking and talking miracle and proof that God can do anything. 

I've wrestled with so many questions through this season of waiting and have come to the conclusion that I can't afford not to believe for the best.  My great grandfather once said "Never give up to the idea that it won't work out.  You've got to go forward.  The momentum of your faith will carry you through."  Most of the questions I've wrestled with can't be answered, but I know I can't give up to the idea that it won't work out.  I believe that one day it will be our turn again just like it was when we got pregnant with Anna.  One of my wise friends once said "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, it's when."  So we will keep "waiting our turn," and one of these days our number will be called again.  Let's just hope it's sooner than later before these birth control pills take my last thread of sanity.  

I gave myself a pep talk today after feeling down about the immense amount of heartbreak we have gone through over the past couple of years.  I picked up a book I read a few months ago, Supernatural Childbirth, and found this quote, "There comes a time when you have to stand on the Word of God and say, 'No I reject the defeat and the disappointments of the past.  I'm not receiving that anymore.  I'm going to stand on God's Word and have God's best.'"  So here we are, back at this point where we are standing on God's word expecting His best.  Not because we deserve it, but because He has proven Himself a good Father to Michael and me time and time again.  

Hope and Grief

"Thank you, Hannah, for being an example of grace in the midst of grief." - Hannah's Hope

"Knowing God is in control doesn't always keep pain at bay.  As you find yourself in uncomfortable places or conversations, ask God to give you grace to survive the moment, along with an understanding heart to hear the intended meaning behind your friend's words." Jennifer Saake

I have been eyeing this book for a while, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought it.  So far it provides an excellent account of the Biblical story of Hannah and what she endured to get her Samuel.  If you or a loved one is struggling with infertility I would highly recommend this book.  I am reading it quickly and I will probably have to read it again for it all to sink in.  Jennifer Saake hits the nail on the head on so many levels with this book.  The grief and ache from the longing for anything is almost unbearable at times, but what keeps us moving forward is hope.

My desire is to be like Hannah who was an example of grace in the midst of grief.  Some days (especially with the overload of fertility hormones) I'm not very graceful but I will always get up and try again.  People are counting on us continuing the fight to believe for breakthroughs in our lives!

The New Plan

On Friday morning, we had our post IVF follow up appointment.  Apparently the whole office was just as shocked as we were that the first round didn't result in a pregnancy.  Our doctor made the comment that we were the last people he thought wouldn't get pregnant.  I think we left them scratching their heads a bit and proving once again that the IVF process, no matter how perfect it goes, is not 100% full proof.

As the nurse took my stats and asked me what medication I had leftover, I started saying lots of if type statements.  She stopped and looked at me saying "This will work," several times.  Apparently they don't say this kind of thing to everyone.

Then we met with the doctor and talked about how beautifully our first round of IVF went (up until the negative pregnancy test part).  He was pleased with all of our numbers and how great our embryos looked.  He expressed his shock that it didn't work.  Apparently the embryos either stopped growing, didn't hatch, or didn't attach.  IVF takes care of the first 7 steps of pregnancy, but it's up to your body to do the last 3 steps.  There's no way for them to know how far the embryos did or didn't make it.  For some reason it was comforting to know they were as shocked as we were about everything even though there was no explainable reason why it didn't work.

After this part we formulated a new game plan for the next round.  Thankfully they were able to freeze 2 healthy blastocysts from our first egg retrieval, so this time around we can do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).  This is a way less intense form of IVF because there is no ovary stimulation which means there is no egg retrieval.  We were very relieved to hear that this would be an option for us because of how hard the egg retrieval was on my body.  I will still have to do shots but they're basically to make sure the lining is thick enough to support a pregnancy.  We will show up on the preselected day in July and do the transfer.  This time around I won't still be healing from the retrieval.

We are hoping things will be different this time around and these babies will be the ones.  On our first cycle they put back 3 day embryos and let the rest continue to grow in the lab.  On day 5 we had two strong blastocysts so they froze those for us.  Hopefully we will see a difference with 5 day ones.  Before we left the doctor reminded us that we've gotten pregnant on our own before so it will happen again.

I'm Still Here

I needed a few days to decompress from blog writing.  It's almost been two weeks since we found out that our first round of IVF didn't work.  I definitely have my ups and downs, but for the most part we are trying to look forward to our next round.  Sometimes it stings a little when I see pregnant women or families with multiple children.  Of course I am nothing but happy for these people, but things like this set off the sadness that can creep up.  I wasn't prepared at church on Sunday when they did baby dedications.  I lost it and we had to politely excuse ourselves.  My friend reminded me that one day we will be dedicating our baby with his/her own miraculous story.  It's always good to remember that things won't always be like this.

I am back on birth control pills to prepare for the next cycle in July.  We meet with our doctor in two days to discuss plans for the next round.  Anna still wakes up almost every morning asking when she's going to get her baby brother.  I tried to explain that we don't know when that will happen and in all her 3 year old wisdom she replied, "The waiting, it's so hard."  I agree Anna, the waiting is so hard.

Life is pretty much back to "normal" around our house.  As normal as it can be when you're going through this process.  I will continue to blog but I probably won't post the links to Facebook anymore.  Please check back from time to time if you're interested.  I will try to create a fancy button that lets you subscribe to the blog for updates.

There's a song that we've been singing a lot around our house.  Even Anna loves to belt out the chorus.  I thought I would include the lyrics in this post.  It's "It is Well" from the new Bethel CD.  At the end of the day I take comfort because it is well with my soul.

Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Bridge
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name 

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

An IVF Marathon

This weekend did not go at all like we thought it would.  When the nurse told me at my Friday blood draw that I could come back in two hours for the results, we said "Sure why not?  We will just find out the good news early and have all weekend to celebrate."  We had no idea how wrong we would be!

Two hours later we sat in the lab waiting room for our results.  We were shocked when we saw the sheet of paper that said I was within the normal range of a non-pregnant female.  Everything went so perfectly, but unfortunately, sometime last week we lost our two beautiful embryos.  For 28 days we did over 40 shots along with other medications, a painful egg retrieval, and transfer and had nothing to show for it.

At our original doctor's appointment in February he told us the statistics and tried to prepare us for the possibility of it not happening on the first round, but we thought we would beat the odds and get pregnant the first try.  Thankfully we opted for the IVF package that included more than one cycle as an insurance policy.  We had no control over what would happen but still hoped for the best for our first cycle.

As you can imagine, we were shocked and heartbroken that it didn't work.  I would be lying if I said I didn't go home and cry for the rest of the day.  Now that it has been a few days and we have been able to process things we are doing better.  I have talked to several friends who went through multiple rounds of IVF to get their babies, and they have encouraged us to keep trying.  So many things have to line up perfectly for this to happen.  It is so refreshing to be able to talk to people who have been through this.  They understand the process and the ups and downs that come with it.  Those just weren't the right embryos for us even though they looked perfect.  I know some pretty amazing IVF kids who wouldn't be here if their parents gave up after their first round failure.  My IVF friends are some of the most resilient women I've ever met!

We have a plan moving forward.  This week we will have our failure follow up appointment with my doctor and talk about the next cycle.  We have two frozen embryos at the lab waiting for their chance at becoming babies.  The week of July 14th is when we will do our second transfer as long as everything looks okay.  All we can do now is hope for the best for our 2nd cycle.  We will never know if we don't try!

It turns out that the IVF process is more of a marathon than a sprint.  We will go into our next cycle remembering that.

We have had such great support from friends and family through this process.  So many have asked what they can do for us as we go through this process.  I thought about it after a friend encouraged me to be honest about what we need right now.  What would be amazing is if you could stand with us in believing for our miracles.  To speak faith and encouragement into our situation as we hold on to the promises God has made us and fight for our future children.  I know one day we will all get to rejoice together over this victory.

I found this postcard that I know my IVF friends who have gone through multiple rounds will appreciate.  It's a little cynical because there are the lucky few who get pregnant on their first try, but it somehow made me feel like less of a failure today.

China Doll

Things have been very different since our big May 15th transfer day.  Life has really slowed down because it had to.  I've basically turned into a china doll.  After Thursday, I was on semi bed rest for 3-4 days hoping and praying for our little ones to hatch, attach, and grow.  I took lots of naps and basically lived with the heating pad from soreness.  Most of the soreness is from the nightly progesterone shots, but I think I noticed today that I'm not as sore as I was last week at this time.  Maybe my body is actually getting used to the deep muscle shots.  I didn't know that was possible.  I counted last night, and so far in this process, my husband has given me 35 shots.  He is the best shot giver ever though!

I am used to a very active lifestyle, and I have had to pretty much discontinue it for now.  I am missing my hard core gym workouts and my afternoon BBL DVD workouts with my friend Bridget.  Now I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  If I find out I'm pregnant, that number jumps all the way to 20 lbs.  I can walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes at the pace of 2.5.  I've been instructed not to break a sweat or do anything that would make my uterus contract.  Whoops I just sneezed, and I am pretty sure everything contracted!  I know it will all be worth it though!

The emotional ups and downs of the IVF cycle have come into full force since the transfer.  I am trying to do things to keep my mind off of it, but it seems like the only time I don't think about it at all is when I'm sleeping.  I got so used to disappointment every month that it is very hard not to project that onto this month.  Sometimes I need to be reminded that this month is different.  I'm learning that it takes even more courage to wait for answers and pregnancy test results.  I knew I had to be brave to go through all of the surgeries and tests, but I forgot that I have to be brave while we wait too.  It takes faith to believe for the best.

My IVF nurse called today to let us know that they were able to freeze 2 embryos.  I asked her when we could use them if this cycle didn't work.  She chided me and said "You won't need to use them because you're going to be pregnant."  She was reminding me that things are different now.  Everything is different now.  So please pray for us as we wait for 6 more days to find out what is going on.  Until then we will be holding on to hope with the tightest grip we can!

Transfer Day

"You have 5 beautiful embryos!"  I've never been so excited and relieved to hear those 5 amazing words.  Today was our embryo transfer day.  After a nervous couple of days wondering how our little ones were doing in the lab, we received the full report.

Five were in the awesome, beautiful category right where they should be, and one was growing too fast.  The lonely fast grower most likely has some genetic abnormalities.  The doctor was very pleased with how everything turned out.  They have to be really careful with women who have polycystic ovaries.  I am so grateful for his care and knowledge of how to treat patients with PCO.  Here I am post valium and post transfer trying to be very still.  The doctor said, "don't move, cough, sneeze, laugh, or talk above a whisper."  Hopefully it was okay to give the thumbs up.

We ended up picking our two strongest ones (7 cell and 8 cell) to transfer.  Here's a little picture of what they look like under the microscope.  As soon as I saw it I fell in love.  You're probably not supposed to get attached to the embryos, but that self-control flew out the window as soon as I saw this photo.  I think the one on the right is a boy :).

The transfer itself was pretty simple yet remarkable.  The embryologist read aloud our names to make sure she had the right ones and handed them to the doctor in a small catheter.  Meanwhile the nurse used the ultrasound machine to find the best place to put the embryos.  Everything went great!  Here is a picture of the pellet they placed in my uterus.  If our other embryos still look strong on Saturday, they will freeze them for future cycles if they're needed. 

All of this is very exciting news for us.  This is the closest we've been to pregnancy in years.  We are hopeful for what is to come.  In 10 days we have our first pregnancy blood tests.  Until then I have been instructed not to lift anything above 10 lbs. and not to break a sweat.  This should be interesting!

I started the day with a sweet text from my dad and have received so much encouragement from everyone.  Thank you so much for standing with us for believing for our miracles.  After the procedure we were pleasantly surprised when our doctor walked over and prayed a prayer of blessing over us.  I know we will all get to rejoice together very soon! 

Here is our next prayer request in our journey... Hatch, attach, and grow.  Please pray that the embryo would grow into a blastocyst, hatch, attach to the lining, and grow!  Pregnancy is truly a miracle!

It All Started with the Number 6

Today we found out that from the 9 eggs that were retrieved, 6 fertilized.  So, as of this morning, we have 6 beautiful embryos growing in the lab.  The plan is to hopefully have enough to transfer one or two on Thursday and still have some extra to freeze in case we need to do another round of IVF.

Before the procedure I made one of the biggest mistakes when it comes to IVF... I got my heart set on something.  It can be such a mind game and I forgot how flexible you have to remain.  I was set on letting our embryos grow to 5 day ones instead of 3 day ones.  Can you guess which one our doctor is having us do?  Yep, 3 day embryos.  There are several criteria the embryos have to meet to go to five days and ours don't meet them.  Ultimately the doctor knows what's best for our situation, so we will go with what he says.

So Thursday is the big day for us.  Please pray that our embryos would continue to grow and thrive especially when they are transferred back.  Hopefully we will soon be telling a story that starts with the line, "It all started with the number 6."

I found this picture online of a 3 day embryo.  It's a beautiful picture of what's to come!

Retrieve and Advance

Today I'm using the "survive and advance" motto, but I changed it to "retrieve and advance."  This morning we had our long awaited egg retrieval procedure.  Things went really well, and we were in and out of the fertility clinic in two hours.

I didn't know what to expect except for a few things some friends told me about.  Apart from feeling very "hangry" from not being able to eat or drink anything, I felt at peace.  As soon as we got there, they whisked us away in a very professional way.  We could tell they were in the zone to get all of us through this day successfully.  At one point I turned to Michael and said, "can you believe we are in a fertility clinic about to do IVF?"  A year ago I had no idea what we were in store for!

We met the nurses, anesthesiologist, and most importantly our embryologist.  After they put my IV in, I walked over to the operating room for my procedure where they put me under in a dream like state.  I do have hazy memories of what happened which is a little bizarre to me.  The whole egg retrieval took around 15 minutes, and then I was wheeled away to the recovery room feeling like a total champion.  We were pleased to hear that the doctor was able to get 10 eggs this time around, so that's a great start!

Through this experience, a new level of courage and bravery that I didn't know I had has risen up and taken a hold of me.  Of course I was nervous and scared, but I knew I had to do it anyway.  Don't mess with a mama grizzly fighting for the lives of her children (or I guess in our case unborn children).

Tomorrow we find out how many eggs fertilized.  I have moved on to a new medicine regimen after having one day off from shots.  Now I am doing inter-muscular progesterone shots and estrogen patches to prepare the lining.  The nurse taught Michael how to give them, and he is a pro so far.  Apparently the comparison to playing darts really helped him.

So now we wait again to find out how our little embryos are growing and when to transfer them back.  Here's a little picture of me on egg retrieval day.  I'm not sure why my hat was so much bigger than everyone else's, but I think the picture is pretty funny.

Trigger Shot

On the eve of my 4th Mother's Day we are doing something I never knew we would do until a few months ago.  It's pretty exciting, at least for us.  At exactly 9:30 p.m. I will get my final subcutaneous shot, Ovadril, the trigger shot.  It will cause the eggs to release.  That's right; my follicles are finally ready to go!  In 36 hours we will be doing our first egg retrieval. 

Originally we hoped for a symbolic Mother's Day retrieval, but my follicles needed a little more time.  Thankfully we waited because everything looked even better on my ultrasound this morning.  This way I can enjoy Mother's Day since Michael was deployed last year at this time.  

I am trying not to think of any and every scenario as we wait for the next step in our IVF cycle.  We are praying for lots of mature eggs that grow into healthy embryos.  This is an exciting and hopeful time for us!

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing ladies out there and to everyone believing to become a mother for the first or fifth time!  If you think of us on Monday morning, please say a prayer for our tiny embryos.

Follicles

We are another day closer to retrieval day!  Today I went in for another ultrasound and brought Michael with me.  He brings so much stability and peace to everything.  This appointment went a lot better than the last.  Basically everything is on schedule for a Sunday or Monday retrieval day.  We saw 17 follicles growing on my ovaries.  This is a great number but it could be a little lower because some might be cysts.  We are extremely happy with the way things are going.  The staff at the clinic are so supportive and encouraging.  It's nice to be treated with so much care. 

When I had my c-section with Anna the doctor took pictures of my ovaries because he was concerned about the cyst formations.  I recently had those pictures put in my file at the fertility clinic.  It's not the prettiest site to see but the nurse said the sweetest thing to me before I left today.  She said "Your ovaries are beautiful."  This meant a lot to me after having many doctors exclaim about the unusualness of the pictures.  This may sound crazy to you but when you're going through infertility any encouragement can completely turn your day around.  

We are holding on to many Bible verses through this time.  There is one in particular that has stuck with me over the past couple of days. I remember holding on to this verse when we were trying to get pregnant with Anna.  Isaiah 54:1-3, "Sing, O Childless woman, you who have never given birth!  Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, you who have never been in labor.  For the desolate woman now has more children that the woman who lives with her husband.  Enlarge your house; build an addition.  Spread out your home, and spare no expense!  For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will occupy other nations and resettle the ruined cities."  I believe that we will soon be bursting at the seams in our tiny, California bungalow!

Hanging Tough

When I was younger I begged my oldest brother to take me to a New Kids on the Block concert.  He did not oblige, and I don't blame him, but I was a big fan of NKOTB.  Their song, "Hangin' Tough," is the inspiration for this blog post.  Here is why we are hanging tough.

We are now on cycle day 9 of our first round of in vitro.  I have had 15 shots, 3 blood draws, and 2 ultrasounds.  My levels and ultrasounds have confirmed what the doctor suspected all along which is Poly Cystic Ovaries.  They can't call it a syndrome because I don't have a couple of the important characteristics of PCOS.  Most likely our infertility this time around can be chalked up to damaged fallopian tubes from scar tissue and PCO.

The PCO aspect throws a little bit of a curve ball into IVF.  My body responds to very low doses of the shots.  They are being very careful to ensure that I don't overstimulate, so things are VERY slow going.  It also makes it hard to know what are follicles and what are cysts.  He said we basically have to hope for the best that there are actual mature eggs to take out.  This makes us on the late side of the cycle where they probably won't even take the eggs until sometime next week.  On the positive side, he counted around 18 follicles which would be amazing if there were mature eggs in them all.  The more they can harvest the better for trying for multiple rounds of IVF.

We are still remaining hopeful despite the challenges.  It is amazing the things you will do (like getting 15 shots in 7 days) when you really want something.  I will go back in on Thursday to see how my ovaries are progressing.  Please pray that the follicles would be easily recognized and clear so that they can more accurately decide when to do the retrieval.  We are hanging tough and taking things day by day.

Wasp and Bee

We are now three days into our first IVF cycle.  Tonight will be my third round of shots.  Every day I take a prenatal vitamin, a steroid, and an aspirin.  Then, at night, Michael gives me two separate subcutaneous shots.  The purpose of this phase is to stimulate the ovaries to produce a lot of follicles.  I go in for frequent blood draws and ultrasounds to monitor what's going on.

So far so good on everything pain wise.  One of the shots feels like a bee sting and the other burns more like a wasp sting but it usually goes away after ten minutes.  I haven't felt any side effects from anything so that is another positive.  The nurse warned that after about four days I might get a little "weepy."  I guess weepy is better than angry.

Nothing much else to report at the moment.  Things should pick up next week as we get closer to the harvest time.  We are staying strong and hoping for good things to come from this cycle!  Thanks everyone for the encouragement!

The Sting of all Things Baby

Last night I ordered prenatal vitamins.  This may not seem like a big step to most, but it was for me.  When we started the journey for a second child almost two years ago, my doctor gave me prenatal vitamins to take to prepare myself for getting pregnant.  I took them with lots of excitement hoping for another miracle.  After many months of trying and going through disappointment, I decided to stop taking them.  To me it was a waste of money and too emotionally painful to continue to take these pills when there was no baby in sight.  After saving them for when I would need them, I had to throw them away a few months ago after they reached their expiration date.

The pills along with the baby gear seemed to taunt me daily.  Every time I passed the medicine cabinet or went into the garage they were all reminders of what hadn't happened.  At the time it was unexplained secondary infertility, and "unexplained" is really code for painful frustration.  When we moved to California and into a smaller garage we had a rummage sale and sold pretty much all of our baby gear.  I needed a fresh start and couldn't look at it any more.  Truthfully I thought if maybe I sold it all then I would get pregnant.  You wouldn't believe the thoughts you have when struggling with infertility.  I know thousands of women can relate to this.

Then in November I had surgery, and unexplained secondary infertility turned into a snowball of infertility diagnoses stemming from previous pregnancy hormones, scar tissue from my c-section, and a few other problems.  There was a silver lining though.  The most important parts, the ovaries and uterus, were preserved making it possible to be a good candidate for IVF.

It's interesting to see what has happened over the past 6 months.  The baby gear and pregnancy announcements don't sting as much any more.  Maybe it helps that things aren't unexplained anymore.  Yesterday my medicine arrived, and we stared at what the next few weeks or months would look like.  I still can't believe we are doing this, but don't get me wrong, we are SO thankful to have the option.

So to those who might still be experiencing the sting that comes from staring down the pregnancy announcements and baby gear, I can say from my experience that if you don't let this experience make you bitter, the sting will hopefully subside.  Tuesday I will start the prenatal vitamins again, and I will do so with a hopeful heart.

Practice Makes "Perfect"

Today in our In Vitro journey we did some practicing.  I would like to say that practice makes perfect, but when it comes to producing embryos, we have no control over what will happen.  Sounds promising right?

First we got the low down on the shots.  We learned all about the needles, syringes, powders, and how to dispose of the biohazard waste that comes from them.  We decided Michael would give me all of the shots.  I realized this as I got queasy just looking at the needles.  I remembered that I'm okay with them as long as I don't look at them.  He got lots of practice mixing the powders and injecting the shots into a squishy cube.  I'm glad the engineer of the family will be administering the drugs.  Attention to detail comes in handy here.  The information was a little overwhelming, but I kept telling myself this is a means to an end.  I had a friend recently remind me to take things one day at a time.  I took that and changed it to remind myself to take things one shot at a time.  That helped relieve some of the mental pressure because it is 95% mental.  By the way, I made that statistic up.  It doesn't seem like anyone would be able to actually assign a mental percentage to something like this.

The second part of this week's visit to the IVF clinic was a Mock Embryo Transfer.  Sounds fancy right?  It makes me think back to high school when we did mock trials.  It was nothing like a mock trial by the way.  The nice thing about the clinic is that it's pretty glam.  I guess that's what happens when you don't really have to rely on insurances paying you a premium because unless you hit the insurance jackpot, you're paying mostly out of pocket for these services.  Everything is decorated nicely, and there are flat screen TV's everywhere.  I'm pretty sure I saw Michael eating fancy truffle candy while he enjoyed their finest K-Cup coffee.  While I waited, and even during the procedure, I listened to Katie Couric explain the importance of family dinners.

Anyway, back to the procedure.  It was a quick but uncomfortable one to measure my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos to have a fighting chance.  This was his practice for when he puts back the embryos in a few weeks.

So as of today everything seems to be in order.  My medicine arrives on Friday, and I get to discontinue the use of birth control pills this weekend.  On Tuesday I will go in for my first blood draw and ultrasound and will begin the stimulation shots that evening.  We don't have any guarantees, but we know no matter what everything will be okay.  I have no idea what the phrase "everything will be okay" will look like, but we've made our peace with that.  I will try to keep you posted along the way.  It helps to be able to write and share what's going on.

The Spreadsheet

Today I received my IVF schedule of medicines spreadsheet.  Basically every day is mapped out for me medicine wise in these fun colors with names of drugs I have a hard time pronouncing.  It's always comforting putting things into your body that you can't pronounce, right?  Now I wait for the online pharmacy to call me back about acquiring these needles, syringes, and whatever else is required for this science experiment.

It wasn't until I got the schedule that it really hit me that we are going to do this.  All this time we were committed to the May IVF cycle, but in the back of my mind I thought we would get pregnant and be that rare couple that conceived before they started the process.  It didn't happen that way, and I'm okay with it.  So much of life doesn't happen the way we planned it to.  The important thing is being flexible with the process.

So, in 12 days I will give myself my first shot and won't look back.  Then it will basically be lather, rinse, repeat over and over again.  We have no idea what is going to happen, but we are hoping for the best!

How to Slow Down Time

Do you feel like the months are constantly flying by?  I have a solution to slow time down.  Get everything in order and sign up to do In Vitro at the end of the month.  April is going by SO slowly for us!  

We still have 17 days before we begin the hormone treatments.  Days seem like years to me.  All I am doing right now in the IVF process is finishing up my second week of birth control pills.  

In all seriousness, we are actually enjoying the calm before the storm.  The end of the month brings lots of exciting events.  We will celebrate another Easter together without a looming deployment or crazy work schedule, enjoy Anna's art show at school, and attend the submarine birthday ball.  Then 3 days later we will begin a new journey full of unknown possibilities. 

Green Light

Anna must play the game "Red Light, Green Light" at school because she comes home talking all about it.  For the past month we have been going through tests trying to get our green light to start the IVF process.  Yesterday we got our green light!

I had my umpteenth ultrasound done yesterday, and although we were hoping for the ovaries to be clear of any cysts, that was not the case.  We knew it could be a possibility because of my history, but it turned out that the ovaries are still covered in tiny cysts.  My doctor called it poly cystic ovarian syndrome tendencies.  I guess I don't meet the major requirement to be diagnosed with the syndrome, so they call it a "tendency."  He also said he saw some scar tissue, so that could explain why I am still in pain.  Most of this news doesn't matter too much because we are already doing IVF, but it gives the doctor more of an idea of how much medicine to give to stimulate ovulation.  The pre-screening IVF tests have been very informative.  It's like a treasure hunt; what will they find out this appointment??  Hopefully that was the last piece of negative medical finding in this process.

So what's the plan?  Basically we are jumping head first into this process and learning as we go what is required of us.  This weekend I start the first step which is birth control pills.  I am on those for 3.5 weeks to give my ovaries a rest and get on the cycle my doctor wants me on.  Since I do have a hormonal imbalance with the ovarian cysts, I'm hoping the birth control will help keep that at bay.  It seems funny to go on birth control to have a baby, but it's all part of the process!

On April 29th we officially begin ovulation stimulation.  This is when the real fun starts.  We will become pros at injections and managing my medicine schedule.  Any nurses out there want to volunteer to come live with us for a couple of months to help administer thick, oil like shots every day?  Just kidding; I know we will get the hang of it quickly!

Then around the first and second week of May they will harvest hopefully lots of mature, healthy eggs, turn them into embryos, and transfer them back.  After that we hope and pray that one or two of the embryos does its thing and implants.  Then we wait some more for either a positive or negative pregnancy test.  If it's positive we continue with shots and close care for the first trimester at the clinic.  If negative then we continue on with another cycle after some recovery time.

We have heard that IVF is full of crazy emotional and physical ups and downs.  I would like to say we are ready for the roller coaster after months of tests and procedures, but I don't think I can honestly say that until we are in the thick of things.  I do know that we are incredibly thankful for our health and our beautiful daughter, so that makes it easier to move into this process with nothing to lose.

Thank you for your encouragement through this!

Ultrasound Galore

When I was pregnant with Anna I had three ultrasounds.  They were the some of the most exciting/nerve racking experiences I've ever experienced.  The first one was amazing.  At 7 weeks we breathed a sigh of relief seeing our little glow worm on the screen with a strong heart beat.  We looked at the picture daily.  Then at 20 weeks we had our second one where we found out we had a squirmy but healthy baby girl.  Deep down in my heart I knew she was a girl.  Our third one was at 29 weeks and we saw her sweet profile for the last time while she was in the womb.  I loved those ultrasounds and getting a glimpse of the baby we couldn't wait to meet!

Since Anna was born I have had around 8 ultrasounds.  When there is no baby involved ultrasounds aren't fun.  They are checking for things that are wrong.  For most of mine I was treated like a freak of nature by the techs.  After a while I went into them telling the tech "Yes I have a lot of cysts and yes they are big."  For a while I was having so many ultrasounds that I contemplated going back to school to become an ultrasound tech.  I figured if you can't beat them, join them.  It was always a little hard being in the waiting room with visibly pregnant ladies going in to get their gender sonograms.  I wondered if we would ever be in that position again.  I did learn a lot through these 8 ultrasounds and learned not to be alarmed with the tech tried to remain calm while telling me they needed to get their supervisor.  Thankfully my surgery didn't confirm what the techs thought was going on.

Thankfully I finally found a doctor who wasn't intimidated by these cysts and took care of the problem. She has reassured me that they shouldn't grow back since it's not endometriosis.  My fertility doctor has mentioned several times that these cysts are pretty common.  I wish someone had told me that 3 years ago!  Moral of the story... always go to a specialist.  They know way more about their field that I ever thought.

So on Wednesday I go in for my final pre-screening for in vitro ultrasound.  Hopefully it will show that there are no cysts that would keep us from being able to do in vitro.  Then a couple of days later we should start our journey with in vitro.  As weird as it may sound I am excited about the process because of what the end result could bring... baby(ies).  It's not the road we thought we would go down to expand our family but we are beyond thankful that there is something else we can try.  We know there will be a lot of ups and downs but hopefully we are ready to take on this new challenge.  So wish us luck that everything is clear and we will have the green light to start this process!

A Little Bit Closer

Today we got a little bit closer to seeing our dream of another child come true.  I needed two tests done to move forward with being screened for in vitro.  The first one was an easy blood draw I did earlier in the week.  The second was called a hysteroscopy and I had that done today.  I'll discuss the first before the really "fun" one.

On Monday I had blood drawn to check my FSH levels.  I am getting really into all the acronyms.  They're almost as intense as military ones!  Apparently healthy levels of FSH for my age are at a 3 or 4.  Well mine was a 9.3.  They can still do in vitro on people with levels under 10 but it requires a little more effort than what was originally thought.  In layman's terms my ovaries are "aging" faster than a normal 31 year old.  So during my treatment I will need to have more medicine than normal to stimulate the maturation of more eggs.  Don't I sound like a super smart doctor with all of these terms?  My doctor is still not worried and encouraged us it's pretty much now or never if we want to have another baby.  That's fine by me after all of this waiting I wouldn't want to wait any longer to try this thing.  It was just another assurance that what we are doing is the best possible thing for trying for another one.  I knew things just weren't adding up!

The second test I had done was today.  It's called a hysteroscopy.  Before they shoved a camera up my lady parts they gave me a shot in the butt that made me want to scream.  I can handle shots but this one totally took me by surprise.  I was a little shocked after when they said "That wasn't bad right?  This is what it will feel like every day when you're giving yourself shots." For a second I thought "What the heck are we getting ourselves into here," but I quickly assured myself that after a few days I would get used to the shots.  The test itself was only 4 minutes.  You would not believe how much those 4 minutes cost us.  Not to be a grouch or anything about it.  They asked if I wanted to watch my insides on the screen and I looked for a second but got so queasy I had to turn away.  This is why I could never go into the medical field.  The good news is that everything was clear!  It was nice to have a test that turned out to give us good results.

So in a couple of weeks I will meet with the lady who will give us the low down on all the meds and when to take them.  Apparently there is a color coded calendar involved that I'm really excited about because I do have a side of me that loves organization.  Then I will have another pelvic ultrasound and start the birth control.  Yes in this case you go on birth control to be able to get pregnant.  Who would've thought?

In the meant time we are praying for a healthy amount of eggs to be harvested and for some good embryos to make this thing happen.  Then hopefully the embryo will turn into a blastocyst and the blastocyst into a fetus and a fetus into a baby.  How's that for biology?  I didn't pay attention to it in high school but I am now!  Wish us luck!

A First Time for Everything

Today we took another important first step in our journey towards growing our family again.  We met with the fertility doctor.  Let me tell you that specialist doctors know how to decorate their offices.  It was complete with fancy chairs, TV's in the rooms, and keurig.  Not to mention the cutest book of baby success stories I've ever seen.  I didn't make it past the first page because it was too emotional for me. I guess if most doctors charged what IVF doctors do they would be able to make super fancy baby books too.

The doctor mostly echoed what my OBGYN has said all along but expounded on important information.  Anna was born by emergency c-section because her chord was coming out before she was.  It was a safety issue and I don't regret it at all.  It turns out that my body responded to the surgery by producing massive amounts of scar tissue that unfortunately pushed my tubes up so high rendering them almost useless when it comes to making a baby.  How ironic that bringing life into the world contributed to my body's ability to do it all again.  Even if Anna is the only one we could conceive naturally she is worth every scar or side effect of the birth process.

So with all of that said it looks like in vitro is our only option going forward unless by some miracle I'm pregnant and don't know it yet.  The in vitro process is a lot more complicated than I ever dreamed it would be.  First of all there are all of these different "package" deals you can choose.  We sit down with the financial lady next week to discuss them all. My head hurt just thinking about all the different numbers.  Second of all there are a lot of drugs involved in the process.  He did assure me that they would walk me through how to give myself shots every day.  I wonder how he would feel about a 3 year old administering them.  Please know that was a joke.

So at the end of March we will start the six week process that is in vitro with hopeful hearts.  I will be in the late April/early May group.  We are feeling good about moving forward with everything.  I'm sure I will have lots to write about once we start this process.  We are staying positive and trying to keep our humor through all of this.  The doctor said I am a great candidate for this and that people my age have a great success rate.  We are hoping to be apart of this success rate very soon!

A Roller Coaster Ride

I hate roller coasters with a passion. I get motion sickness riding on a swing so you can imagine what would happen on a roller coaster. Ferris wheels are okay but nothing else. I did do Splash Mountain in the 5th grade and screamed so loud I think I broke my mom's ear drums. I do not enjoy the thrill that comes along with it.

Lately life has been like a roller coaster emotionally and physically. Although I am learning a lot and growing it has been pretty rough. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. There are other ways to learn the good ole life lessons we have been learning. The ups have been few and far in between and the downs have seemed to dominate but we are determined to keep going.

After lots of ups and downs with my OBGYN we have decided it is time to move to a reproductive endocrinologist (a.k.a a fertility doctor) to get more insight into what is going on. My doctor has been great but we have come to the end of her knowledge on the subject. So now we move into finding the right RE for us in the Bay Area. It seems like there are thousands of clinics to choose from but hopefully we will find the right fit quickly.

We are looking for a doctor with a positive outlook on our situation who is dedicated to helping us do whatever it takes to get past whatever health issues are holding us back from expanding our family. Does that kind of doctor exist?

So here we go moving back up the roller coaster that we don't want to be on anymore. The truth I hold on to is knowing that God promises to work all things together for our good. We believe that none of our struggles will be wasted.

I keep holding on to the hope that one day this will all be a distant memory. Until then we will keep fighting because anything of any kind of value is worth fighting for.

Life is a roller coaster so we better hold on tight!

You Don't Get to Choose

I know it seems like we have control over some of the things that happen in our lives but the truth is that we don't.  Over the past year and a half as we have waited to have another baby this has become a reality to me.

I am a planner.  I get a thrill from planning out our life.  It seems like everything has gone our way in terms of the Navy which is hardly the case.  We skirted through Power School, prototype, and SOBC without a single delay (If you're reading this and you're in the sub community you know that is a miracle these days).  We asked for Washington and a boomer and we got it.  We asked for NPS and we got it.  We asked for another baby and we haven't gotten one yet!

It seems to be a slap in the face to realize how little control we have over this area of our lives.  My days look like an emotional roller coaster as we deal with doctor's reports and things that are out of our hands.  Dare I say that it is a fact that we don't get to pick when we have our kids, how we have them, or if they will be boys or girls?  I feel like a downer telling people you can't control any of this but there is hope.

My hope is in God's goodness.  I know He cares about the desires of my heart.  He has heard our constant cries to add to our family, and He has been providing for us every step of the way.  I mean life wouldn't be as adventurous if everything went according to my plans.  So we will wait and keep waiting and pray for wisdom to know what the heck to pursue and what not to pursue.

Thank you to my friends and family and especially my husband who handle my roller coaster days with so much grace.  It would be so much more lonely going through this without you all!

Post Baby Blues

Anna came into the world without warning 3 weeks early.  I was NOT ready.  My water broke and I was totally in denial.  I even tried to go to the gym but after 5 minutes I decided it was not the smart move.  Michael was in some kind of school at the time and taking a test so I couldn't interrupt so I drove myself to the hospital still in denial over the fact that my water broke.  He got out of his test a couple of hours later and came over so it wasn't that big of a deal.

My body was not ready to go into labor.  24 hours after my water broke I was rushed in to have an emergency c-section.  Her cord was coming out before she was.  The told us about cord prolapse in our birthing class but said it happens to such a small percentage of people.  Thankfully we were at the hospital when this happened so they could get her out quickly.  Labor was not fun.  They kept trying a million things to help me have her vaginally but my body and Anna seemed to reject them all.  Finally they did a little slice and dice and there she was.

I still remember the moment so clearly.  Michael brought her to me and she stuck out her lip about 6 inches and cried.  She still does that to this day.  My heart was overwhelmed with this girl who kicked and had the hiccups multiple times a day for 37 weeks in my womb.  She was now in my arms.  The girl we weren't even sure we would be able to have was finally here.  That was when our world was turned upside down.

An hour after I got out of surgery my doctor (who I had never met before the c-section) came in and told me he found some alarming looking growths during my c-section.  My ovaries were completely covered in cysts.  He had never seen anything like that so he was nervous it was cancerous and informed me that they would send it off to the lab and we would know in 5 days.  Are you serious 5 days???  Thankfully it wasn't cancerous but they did continue to grow and cause all sorts of problems.  Hopefully the surgery that I just had took care of them.  I could write a whole blog post on that incident!

Anna is a Washington born baby.  The state that seems to think feeding your baby formula is a like giving them poison.  I was dead set that I would breastfeed my little girl and love it.  This was not the case.  My milk NEVER came in!  I tried all the tricks, saw multiple lactation consultants, and spent countless hours painfully trying to make it happen.  Well it never did and Anna suffered because of it.  Anna kept losing weight because they told us not to supplement because that would keep my milk from coming in.  Finally after a week of this we snapped out of it and started feeding her formula.  It took so much pressure off me but I still tried to breastfeed her what I had (which wasn't much).  I would pump with a hospital grade pump and cry at how little came out.

She spit literally everything up.  I think we tried 10 different formulas with her trying to find the magical one.  I do not have fond memories of her being a little baby and that makes me sad but she was our learning experience.  She cried ALL the time.  Michael deployed when she was 7 weeks old and I went home to my mom and we took turns holding her as she balled up her fists and cried for so many hours a day.  I have never felt so helpless.  Meanwhile my c-section recovery was terrible.  Now I know it was because I had an infection that I was fighting without medicine.  I felt so guilty because this was the baby we prayed for almost a year and cried every month that passed that I wasn't pregnant.

I wouldn't trade that experience for anything now.  Anna is a healthy formula feed baby and bottles worked great for us.  At one we took the bottle away and she went on with her life.  At 4 months we met an amazing pediatrician who helped me so much as a first time mom and she got a little better.  Then at 8 months she finally stopped her painful crying fits and was a pretty happy girl.

This is why I am excited for the day we finally get to have another one.  I know giving my kid a bottle won't be the end of the world and I know that it could take 8 months but they will grow out of the colicky time.  I know that I can care for a baby while my husband is out to sea.  Knowledge is power.  Next time around we will be so much more relaxed.  I won't feel ashamed when I whip out a bottle to feed my child.  The list could go on.  So we will continue to wait until we get the chance to do it all again!  Thank you for coming along side of us and encouraging us while we wait.  Another day has passed so we are a day closer to another dream coming true!