Post Baby Blues

Anna came into the world without warning 3 weeks early.  I was NOT ready.  My water broke and I was totally in denial.  I even tried to go to the gym but after 5 minutes I decided it was not the smart move.  Michael was in some kind of school at the time and taking a test so I couldn't interrupt so I drove myself to the hospital still in denial over the fact that my water broke.  He got out of his test a couple of hours later and came over so it wasn't that big of a deal.

My body was not ready to go into labor.  24 hours after my water broke I was rushed in to have an emergency c-section.  Her cord was coming out before she was.  The told us about cord prolapse in our birthing class but said it happens to such a small percentage of people.  Thankfully we were at the hospital when this happened so they could get her out quickly.  Labor was not fun.  They kept trying a million things to help me have her vaginally but my body and Anna seemed to reject them all.  Finally they did a little slice and dice and there she was.

I still remember the moment so clearly.  Michael brought her to me and she stuck out her lip about 6 inches and cried.  She still does that to this day.  My heart was overwhelmed with this girl who kicked and had the hiccups multiple times a day for 37 weeks in my womb.  She was now in my arms.  The girl we weren't even sure we would be able to have was finally here.  That was when our world was turned upside down.

An hour after I got out of surgery my doctor (who I had never met before the c-section) came in and told me he found some alarming looking growths during my c-section.  My ovaries were completely covered in cysts.  He had never seen anything like that so he was nervous it was cancerous and informed me that they would send it off to the lab and we would know in 5 days.  Are you serious 5 days???  Thankfully it wasn't cancerous but they did continue to grow and cause all sorts of problems.  Hopefully the surgery that I just had took care of them.  I could write a whole blog post on that incident!

Anna is a Washington born baby.  The state that seems to think feeding your baby formula is a like giving them poison.  I was dead set that I would breastfeed my little girl and love it.  This was not the case.  My milk NEVER came in!  I tried all the tricks, saw multiple lactation consultants, and spent countless hours painfully trying to make it happen.  Well it never did and Anna suffered because of it.  Anna kept losing weight because they told us not to supplement because that would keep my milk from coming in.  Finally after a week of this we snapped out of it and started feeding her formula.  It took so much pressure off me but I still tried to breastfeed her what I had (which wasn't much).  I would pump with a hospital grade pump and cry at how little came out.

She spit literally everything up.  I think we tried 10 different formulas with her trying to find the magical one.  I do not have fond memories of her being a little baby and that makes me sad but she was our learning experience.  She cried ALL the time.  Michael deployed when she was 7 weeks old and I went home to my mom and we took turns holding her as she balled up her fists and cried for so many hours a day.  I have never felt so helpless.  Meanwhile my c-section recovery was terrible.  Now I know it was because I had an infection that I was fighting without medicine.  I felt so guilty because this was the baby we prayed for almost a year and cried every month that passed that I wasn't pregnant.

I wouldn't trade that experience for anything now.  Anna is a healthy formula feed baby and bottles worked great for us.  At one we took the bottle away and she went on with her life.  At 4 months we met an amazing pediatrician who helped me so much as a first time mom and she got a little better.  Then at 8 months she finally stopped her painful crying fits and was a pretty happy girl.

This is why I am excited for the day we finally get to have another one.  I know giving my kid a bottle won't be the end of the world and I know that it could take 8 months but they will grow out of the colicky time.  I know that I can care for a baby while my husband is out to sea.  Knowledge is power.  Next time around we will be so much more relaxed.  I won't feel ashamed when I whip out a bottle to feed my child.  The list could go on.  So we will continue to wait until we get the chance to do it all again!  Thank you for coming along side of us and encouraging us while we wait.  Another day has passed so we are a day closer to another dream coming true!